ive started to realize how empty and pointless anger is. ive noticed that it is honestly just a show, for me at least. slamming doors, yelling, hiding in my room in order for people to seek me out. its just a show. and not a very good one at that.
ive noticed that when i get angry, especially lately, and when i do these things, i find no satisfaction in them. i actually feel worse after them. and i dont like it.
im starting to discover that my anger, when its not just or with a right cause, is like a chasm. there is no bottom. its empty. and it just keeps going. theres no point to it other than to suck you in.
and so im tired of how ive been living and the anger thats consumed me. instead, i want to work on my issues and get them off my chest in a respectful and calm matter, without all the show. i want there to be honesty and simple matter-of-fact approach.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
ive noticed something about myself lately
and its not something im pleased with. it concerns my attitude and the way approach the Bible. its not the whole Bible, but that shouldnt matter. it is still Gods word. and for some reason i think i can have a problem with it.
i get annoyed with certain passages i think are cliché, over used or just plain annoying. and that is not ok. it shouldnt matter to me what people have done with a verse (unless of course they are using it for evil or something, but thats a different issue). what im talking about is how i perceive others use of a verse to be less than my standards or whats ok with me. and honestly, nothing should be lower than my standards because i shouldnt have standards when approaching the Bible.
i should look at it, read it and listen to it in reverence and respect. i should hold it in the same awe i hold God in. and i shouldnt get an attitude about verses like "trust in the LORD with all your heart" or others. just because i dont like the song that is associated with it does not give me the right to disregard it. it is still a part of Gods word to me.
i need to adjust my attitude and get it right before God because it is Him whom i should be looking to please, not myself.
i get annoyed with certain passages i think are cliché, over used or just plain annoying. and that is not ok. it shouldnt matter to me what people have done with a verse (unless of course they are using it for evil or something, but thats a different issue). what im talking about is how i perceive others use of a verse to be less than my standards or whats ok with me. and honestly, nothing should be lower than my standards because i shouldnt have standards when approaching the Bible.
i should look at it, read it and listen to it in reverence and respect. i should hold it in the same awe i hold God in. and i shouldnt get an attitude about verses like "trust in the LORD with all your heart" or others. just because i dont like the song that is associated with it does not give me the right to disregard it. it is still a part of Gods word to me.
i need to adjust my attitude and get it right before God because it is Him whom i should be looking to please, not myself.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
i dont know what the problem is
but lately ive really been struggling with insecurity. for some reason i cant shake the feeling of it.
ive been down on myself. criticizing myself. and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all.
but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change. especially in terms of working out.
i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults. and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.
and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.
i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.
but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.
ive been down on myself. criticizing myself. and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all.
but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change. especially in terms of working out.
i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults. and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.
and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.
i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.
but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
encore plus de leçons
this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.
its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him. i dont think we are meant to...
its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me. dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.
i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.
i didnt think friendships would be this hard either. i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.
i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty. and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.
its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend. and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.
my friend emily said im like a well. ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.
like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever. i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.
i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok. that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.
its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him. i dont think we are meant to...
its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me. dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.
i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.
i didnt think friendships would be this hard either. i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.
i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty. and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.
its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend. and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.
my friend emily said im like a well. ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.
like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever. i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.
i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok. that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.
those moments....
you know those moments when time just hits you in the face and you realized how longs it been since youve talked to one of your best friends?
that just happened to me. her name is laura. and i miss her so so much. she has been gone on a study abroad for months now. and she comes home next week. but i wont get to see her for three more weeks after that.
i think i deal with things better when i forget about them. i push them away out of my brain. at least, thats what ive been doing all quarter. anything upsetting that ive experienced, ive ran from and pushed away from my thoughts. and its probably not healthy but its what has kept me sane these past months.
but now im home, school is over for the quarter and im left with plenty of time to reminisce and remember things and people.
its been a hard quarter. its been really rough. and ive had my eyes opened to many things in my life that i need to (and am currently working on) changing.
but i wish laura had been here with me. i wish i had been more invested in keeping in touch. i was originally... and then i lost steam. and then i ran away. and then i realized how much ive missed. and i regret it.
i cant wait to catch up with my beautiful best friend and learn how she has grown, what God has taught her, how He has worked in her life. i cant wait to hear about her experiences, to learn which were her favorite, to know where she felt Abba the most. i cant wait to talk to her and have her listen to what ive been learning. i cant wait to hug her and cry of joy. because i probably will. i miss her that much.
but this has taught me to remember, time is a precious gift and once lost, can never be regained. i promise to (try) to make the most of my time with you laura. i love you and am so excited to have you "home" once again.
that just happened to me. her name is laura. and i miss her so so much. she has been gone on a study abroad for months now. and she comes home next week. but i wont get to see her for three more weeks after that.
i think i deal with things better when i forget about them. i push them away out of my brain. at least, thats what ive been doing all quarter. anything upsetting that ive experienced, ive ran from and pushed away from my thoughts. and its probably not healthy but its what has kept me sane these past months.
but now im home, school is over for the quarter and im left with plenty of time to reminisce and remember things and people.
its been a hard quarter. its been really rough. and ive had my eyes opened to many things in my life that i need to (and am currently working on) changing.
but i wish laura had been here with me. i wish i had been more invested in keeping in touch. i was originally... and then i lost steam. and then i ran away. and then i realized how much ive missed. and i regret it.
i cant wait to catch up with my beautiful best friend and learn how she has grown, what God has taught her, how He has worked in her life. i cant wait to hear about her experiences, to learn which were her favorite, to know where she felt Abba the most. i cant wait to talk to her and have her listen to what ive been learning. i cant wait to hug her and cry of joy. because i probably will. i miss her that much.
but this has taught me to remember, time is a precious gift and once lost, can never be regained. i promise to (try) to make the most of my time with you laura. i love you and am so excited to have you "home" once again.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
From Jesus Calling
As you sit quietly in My presence, let Me fill your heart and mind with thankfulness. This is the most direct way to achieve a thankful stance. If your mind needs a focal point, gaze My love pours out for you on the cross. Remember that nothing in heaven or on earth can separate you from that Love. This remembrance builds a foundation of gratitude in you, a foundation that circumstances cannot shake.
As you go though this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way. I lovingly go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day. Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one. When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet. Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart. Receive My Presence as you lie down to sleep, with thankful thoughts playing a lullaby in your mind.
Romans 8:38-39; psalm 4:7-8
Thank God for all that He has done in your life for He alone is good and worthy to be praised.
As you go though this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way. I lovingly go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day. Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one. When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet. Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart. Receive My Presence as you lie down to sleep, with thankful thoughts playing a lullaby in your mind.
Romans 8:38-39; psalm 4:7-8
Thank God for all that He has done in your life for He alone is good and worthy to be praised.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
i know there is a God
and i call Him Abba.
i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.
i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.
i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.
i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.
i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me
i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.
i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.
i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.
i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.
i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me
Sunday, October 16, 2011
change
ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle
friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.
and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.
my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.
my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.
and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.
all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.
friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.
and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.
my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.
my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.
and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.
all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
idolatry
a couple of days ago, i had surgery. and today, while i was chilling and lying around trying to heal, i decided to look on websites and search around for new shoes, new clothes, new scarves, etc etc etc.
by the end of the day, i realized ive spent waaaaaaaaaaay too much time thinking about what i want instead of being grateful for what i have. and i ended up in this horrible mood.
and then i read Jesus Calling tonight.
Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes. There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer's spiritual, emotional ad physical condition. The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry. Your concern to please other dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator.
It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace. Respond to My loving Presence by worshiping Me in spirit and in truth.
Hebrews 11:6; John 4:23-24
the truth is, i feel way insecure around the new freshmen on my floor. they are so freaking cute and fashionable, and i honestly was trying to make myself "up to par" with them. i was placing their opinion-which probably doesnt even come from my appearance-even higher than my healing from surgery.
and the sad part is. i should be showing them not to go down this path. im the sophomore, the one who is older and supposed to be leading them. im supposed to be helping them discover that they are worth so much more than the clothes that they wear, the makeup thats on their faces, and the perfume they sprayed on.
God help me to be wise. help me to show these beautiful young women that YOU are whom they should look to please. boys wont please them. friends wont please them. only You can fill that desire. help me to lead these young women to You, to show them Your Love. Your beautiful, wonderful and inexplicable Love. i love you Abba. thank You so much for these young women You have placed in my life.
by the end of the day, i realized ive spent waaaaaaaaaaay too much time thinking about what i want instead of being grateful for what i have. and i ended up in this horrible mood.
and then i read Jesus Calling tonight.
Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes. There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer's spiritual, emotional ad physical condition. The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry. Your concern to please other dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator.
It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace. Respond to My loving Presence by worshiping Me in spirit and in truth.
Hebrews 11:6; John 4:23-24
the truth is, i feel way insecure around the new freshmen on my floor. they are so freaking cute and fashionable, and i honestly was trying to make myself "up to par" with them. i was placing their opinion-which probably doesnt even come from my appearance-even higher than my healing from surgery.
and the sad part is. i should be showing them not to go down this path. im the sophomore, the one who is older and supposed to be leading them. im supposed to be helping them discover that they are worth so much more than the clothes that they wear, the makeup thats on their faces, and the perfume they sprayed on.
God help me to be wise. help me to show these beautiful young women that YOU are whom they should look to please. boys wont please them. friends wont please them. only You can fill that desire. help me to lead these young women to You, to show them Your Love. Your beautiful, wonderful and inexplicable Love. i love you Abba. thank You so much for these young women You have placed in my life.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
lessons
lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.
good news is you can always get better, right?
but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks. God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.
worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.
and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.
im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.
there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.
its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.
kind of like pride.
i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.
ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.
good news is you can always get better, right?
but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks. God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.
worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.
and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.
im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.
there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.
its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.
kind of like pride.
i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.
ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
enfj
so lies. im not an esfj.....
im an enfj. makes so much more sense. but i still tend to be introverted after a long time with people.
hopefully this will help me to pick a major
im an enfj. makes so much more sense. but i still tend to be introverted after a long time with people.
hopefully this will help me to pick a major
uncertainty
so i just got back to school (fyi its so good to be back and my floor is amazing) but i am stressed beyond all belief
im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.
but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.
so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...
pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.
im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.
but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.
so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...
pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
do you remember
10 years ago. today.
i remember. i crawled onto my parents bed and watched as the 2nd tower fell. i remember not understanding. my mother in disbelief.
i remember the next day going to school. talking about it with my teacher. and my fellow students. it had been one girls birthday. she said it was her worst birthday ever.
i remember then fearing for my dad when he left for a trip. hoping something like this would never happen again.
i remember things changing. the airports becoming more hectic. the security lines new and foreign. what it had been like before, when we were able to walk out to the gate.
i remembering fearing flying, when before, it had been a loved experience.
i remember when we went to war. the war on terror... i remember not being old enough to understand.
i remember when osama bin laden was killed. and not understanding again.
i dont think ill ever understand this travesty. i dont think i will ever comprehend the evil that exist. i dont think i will ever be able to reconcile taking one mans life for the greater good, but at the same time, still taking that mans life. i dont understand how this one man also took so many lives. so many lives that were not his to take. and how we went to war to fight this man and the beliefs he stood for. and how we lost so many more lives in this pursuit.
and as i watch the footage of the events from 10 years ago, i am forced to try and understand. to try and reconcile. i dont know if i will ever be able to.
this anger, this hatred for other people. it has to stop. this murdering and terrorism and holocausts and genocides and wars. they need to stop.
it shouldnt take this big of an event to wake the world up to the atrocities that we have turned a blind eye for so long.
10 years ago i remember what happened.
i remember. i crawled onto my parents bed and watched as the 2nd tower fell. i remember not understanding. my mother in disbelief.
i remember the next day going to school. talking about it with my teacher. and my fellow students. it had been one girls birthday. she said it was her worst birthday ever.
i remember then fearing for my dad when he left for a trip. hoping something like this would never happen again.
i remember things changing. the airports becoming more hectic. the security lines new and foreign. what it had been like before, when we were able to walk out to the gate.
i remembering fearing flying, when before, it had been a loved experience.
i remember when we went to war. the war on terror... i remember not being old enough to understand.
i remember when osama bin laden was killed. and not understanding again.
i dont think ill ever understand this travesty. i dont think i will ever comprehend the evil that exist. i dont think i will ever be able to reconcile taking one mans life for the greater good, but at the same time, still taking that mans life. i dont understand how this one man also took so many lives. so many lives that were not his to take. and how we went to war to fight this man and the beliefs he stood for. and how we lost so many more lives in this pursuit.
and as i watch the footage of the events from 10 years ago, i am forced to try and understand. to try and reconcile. i dont know if i will ever be able to.
this anger, this hatred for other people. it has to stop. this murdering and terrorism and holocausts and genocides and wars. they need to stop.
it shouldnt take this big of an event to wake the world up to the atrocities that we have turned a blind eye for so long.
10 years ago i remember what happened.
Friday, September 9, 2011
i have this friend
his name is jared david. he is one of my favorites.
and he is also one of the most incredible people i know. jared and i met at spu. he was on my brother floor. id see him around and hang once in awhile, but i didnt really get to enjoy his presence until spring quarter.
i started to listen to him. to hear how much he loved God. to see his passion. to enjoy his friendship. this summer, ive gotten to see even more of all these things. i read his blog. i check on him on fb.
but what im really going to miss....is seeing him in person. hearing his laugh. listening to another wise-cracking joke. hearing him talk about the God he loves so much. taking communion with him. having bible study with him. praying with him.
jared is one of my best friends and has challenged me in ways ive never thought possible. God used him to spur one of the biggest growth spurts ive ever had. actually the biggest. fact.
im going to miss him dearly at school next year. i wish him well while in portland. im even crying as i write this.
jared. i hope God leads you on a path more spectacular than ever imagined. i hope he blesses you abundantly. that He carries you in His loving arms. that He watches over your every need. that He grants you the desires of your heart and that all of your desires coincide with His. i pray that He gives you wonderful new friends that welcome you into their hearts. that they learn to laugh with you, pray with you, grow with you and take communion with you.
you are always welcome with us. and will always be loved in our family. you are cherished. you are treasured. you are loved.
and you have been and will continue to be a blessing in my life. agape brother.
and he is also one of the most incredible people i know. jared and i met at spu. he was on my brother floor. id see him around and hang once in awhile, but i didnt really get to enjoy his presence until spring quarter.
i started to listen to him. to hear how much he loved God. to see his passion. to enjoy his friendship. this summer, ive gotten to see even more of all these things. i read his blog. i check on him on fb.
but what im really going to miss....is seeing him in person. hearing his laugh. listening to another wise-cracking joke. hearing him talk about the God he loves so much. taking communion with him. having bible study with him. praying with him.
jared is one of my best friends and has challenged me in ways ive never thought possible. God used him to spur one of the biggest growth spurts ive ever had. actually the biggest. fact.
im going to miss him dearly at school next year. i wish him well while in portland. im even crying as i write this.
jared. i hope God leads you on a path more spectacular than ever imagined. i hope he blesses you abundantly. that He carries you in His loving arms. that He watches over your every need. that He grants you the desires of your heart and that all of your desires coincide with His. i pray that He gives you wonderful new friends that welcome you into their hearts. that they learn to laugh with you, pray with you, grow with you and take communion with you.
you are always welcome with us. and will always be loved in our family. you are cherished. you are treasured. you are loved.
and you have been and will continue to be a blessing in my life. agape brother.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Abba is amazing
today i woke up scared of my reality and worrying that i would not be able to accomplish what is needing to be done. and i was grumpy...
i started my devotions and asked Abba to really speak to me this morning, i needed it
so i open my devotional, Jesus Calling after my prayer time
"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than you strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives- giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence"
Psalm 42:5; 2 Corinthians 13:4; Jeremiah 31:25
and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
its crazy how God knows what we need and how to say it, how to present it to us and then use it for His glory. i am astounded.
God is amazing. He is sovereign and wonderful and all too great for my imagination.
but He loves me anyway and speaks to me, even when i refuse to trust in Him. He offers me forgiveness time and time again. and He presents His never-ceasing mercies to me daily.
i love you Abba. thank You for all that You've done in my life and all that You are currently doing. i am excited to see how You will use me for Your Glory. i cannot imagine Your wonders.
thank You for everything. i love you.
in Jesus Name,
Amen.
i started my devotions and asked Abba to really speak to me this morning, i needed it
so i open my devotional, Jesus Calling after my prayer time
"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than you strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives- giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence"
Psalm 42:5; 2 Corinthians 13:4; Jeremiah 31:25
and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
its crazy how God knows what we need and how to say it, how to present it to us and then use it for His glory. i am astounded.
God is amazing. He is sovereign and wonderful and all too great for my imagination.
but He loves me anyway and speaks to me, even when i refuse to trust in Him. He offers me forgiveness time and time again. and He presents His never-ceasing mercies to me daily.
i love you Abba. thank You for all that You've done in my life and all that You are currently doing. i am excited to see how You will use me for Your Glory. i cannot imagine Your wonders.
thank You for everything. i love you.
in Jesus Name,
Amen.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
welcome back
its been awhile.. i know. im sorry. God hasn't really put it on my heart to blog lately.
but today, God came through in only the way He can.
ive been searching for a job for...forever. i wasnt able to get one for this summer (so ive been working for my dad) and ive been looking into jobs for the fall/rest of the school year. i have applied to a couple and one that i was really interested had just replied saying the position was filled.
i was crushed. and super frustrated. "why wasnt God allowing me to get a job?" i kept asking. my best friend kirsten and my mom and my dad were like its obviously not the job He has planned for you. but i was just annoyed.
so i continued sanding the deck outside and then came in for a shower. i prayed asking God to a) give me a job b) take away my stress and help me give up my stress to Him c) thanked Him for not giving me the job im not supposed to have.
so i go online to buy my books... and i check my email.
turns out another position i was interested in just had a shift open up! and they were wondering if i could work it.
God's amazing. i cant get over how freaking amazing He is. seriously. not only has He helped me wake up in the mornings, but now i might have a job this year!!
the interview is on tuesday. please be praying i get it.
if i dont, i know God has another job in store. i just would like this one :]
but today, God came through in only the way He can.
ive been searching for a job for...forever. i wasnt able to get one for this summer (so ive been working for my dad) and ive been looking into jobs for the fall/rest of the school year. i have applied to a couple and one that i was really interested had just replied saying the position was filled.
i was crushed. and super frustrated. "why wasnt God allowing me to get a job?" i kept asking. my best friend kirsten and my mom and my dad were like its obviously not the job He has planned for you. but i was just annoyed.
so i continued sanding the deck outside and then came in for a shower. i prayed asking God to a) give me a job b) take away my stress and help me give up my stress to Him c) thanked Him for not giving me the job im not supposed to have.
so i go online to buy my books... and i check my email.
turns out another position i was interested in just had a shift open up! and they were wondering if i could work it.
God's amazing. i cant get over how freaking amazing He is. seriously. not only has He helped me wake up in the mornings, but now i might have a job this year!!
the interview is on tuesday. please be praying i get it.
if i dont, i know God has another job in store. i just would like this one :]
Saturday, August 27, 2011
mahalo
my siblings and i in maui. praising God for His Glory
its been a while... and ive learned so many things in this short time. God has taught me a lot.
i need to be more careful with my relationships and truly take responsibility for things ive done. i need to own up to it and apologize. and im working on that.
i need to be more thankful. there are SO many things i have to be thankful for. and God has blessed me so much.
i need to be more patient and open to hearing God's voice. and living in the present instead of trying to make my own way in life. God's way is so much better. soooo much better. and i really need to focus on it.
and i need to do things. it might not be the right thing and i might make mistakes. but im learning. and God can always correct my mistakes. i forget He can do that...
i love my God, my Abba. and im so thankful for everything He has given me.
i explain things in more depth later on. but basically know this. im growing. and im learning. and im going to keep pursuing my God.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
year goals
so there are several things i want to accomplish this year... here are a few of them
- go on adventures once a week
- serve once a month, whether it be food bank, soup kitchen, etc
- do STN
- get a job...
- create a habit of going to church EVERY sunday
- go to life group
- try to go to mosaic and mars hill on sundays
- run a 5k
ill update it when more things come to me
selfless not selfish
currently. i am sitting. i am sitting with a heating pad on my lap. cause im in pain. again.
and im growing weary of this pain. i want God to magically fix it. but its not one of those ailments you can cure. you just have to treat it. and of course im complaining.
and then i realize. im being selfish. im being self-centered. im doing just fine. i live in a comfortable home. i have food to eat. my parents have jobs. i am secure. i shouldnt be complaining.
right now, there are extreme droughts across the nations and they are destroying communities, tearing down economies and ripping helpless children from their mothers' arms.
and there are those horrible riots happening in london. to think they are "standing for an unjust death" when there innocent civilians being killed with the damage thats ensuing in the city.
it really pains my heart actually. i wish i could do something to heal all these people. i want to end the violence. end the wars. bring the mothers and fathers back from war to the children who miss them and worry about their safety every passing minute.
but to do such a thing would me i am god. and i am most definitely not God.
i cannot begin to imagine the plan God has to redeem this earth. i know it starts with Jesus. but after that... when there are no wars. no more tears. i can only dream.
i want to do something to help. maybe we can organize a penny drive at school for clean water and food rations in somalia. or donate to charities that help comfort little ones while their parents are at war. i want to lend my services to help bandage up this broken world. i cannot heal it, just treat it.
and im growing weary of this pain. i want God to magically fix it. but its not one of those ailments you can cure. you just have to treat it. and of course im complaining.
and then i realize. im being selfish. im being self-centered. im doing just fine. i live in a comfortable home. i have food to eat. my parents have jobs. i am secure. i shouldnt be complaining.
right now, there are extreme droughts across the nations and they are destroying communities, tearing down economies and ripping helpless children from their mothers' arms.
and there are those horrible riots happening in london. to think they are "standing for an unjust death" when there innocent civilians being killed with the damage thats ensuing in the city.
it really pains my heart actually. i wish i could do something to heal all these people. i want to end the violence. end the wars. bring the mothers and fathers back from war to the children who miss them and worry about their safety every passing minute.
but to do such a thing would me i am god. and i am most definitely not God.
i cannot begin to imagine the plan God has to redeem this earth. i know it starts with Jesus. but after that... when there are no wars. no more tears. i can only dream.
i want to do something to help. maybe we can organize a penny drive at school for clean water and food rations in somalia. or donate to charities that help comfort little ones while their parents are at war. i want to lend my services to help bandage up this broken world. i cannot heal it, just treat it.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
dead brush
part of my job for my dad is clearing out all the dead brush in the trees on the side of my house.
they have been sort of neglected for a while... (we've been busy) and so much dead stuff was hiding behind the healthy green brush. i mean i worked for hours cleaning out tree by tree. it surprised me because from the outside, the trees looked so healthy.
which got me thinking... what happens to the human soul when its been neglected? does that much dead stuff build up in it?
i think it does.
and then, we put up a "healthy" barrier to hide it.
can you imagine what a soul, with years of neglect, what it would look like? what neglect does to the human spirit?
it would be a wretched sight. it would be horrifying. there would be death and decay spreading throughout it like a plague. some areas would seem untouched, but when you looked deeper, beneath the outer layers, there it would lurk-the damage.
and what is sad, what is really really heartbreaking, is all of this, could be prevented
my trees, however, i do not know if they are beyond saving-ultimately, that is up to my dad. but to me, those trees looked far past recovery. if fact, they look like a hazard-a huge fire hazard. with all that dead brush sitting there, waiting to be cleared out, they could catch fire in an instant. and they sit right next to our house. we didnt even know it was that bad. thinking of what could have happened with the tiniest spark is terrifying. oh. and even worse. they are sitting between the power lines (they've gotten too tall, part of my job)
now apply this to humanity. when does a persons soul get so dead, that it becomes a hazard?
before i go into this, let me make it clear, i do not think the way to handle this is to rid ourselves of the people who are damaged. i dont think a human being is ever beyond repair.
that being said, if a person goes so long being neglected and having dead brush build up inside their soul, then they too only need a spark to set them off. it might not even be clear what the spark is. but either way it could be dangerously close to you and your family-like the trees to my house. and you may be completely unaware of the threat.
and to think...this could all be prevented.
seriously. it can.
all it takes is a smile. a simple recognition of the persons importance. a wave. a gesture. a "how do you do?" and it only takes a minute.
we are all created in the Image of God. therefore... we all deserve respect. we all deserve honor. they all deserve respect. they all deserve honor. they do not have to be a part of your "group" to be noticed. but that doesnt mean they shouldnt be.
they are God's children too.
honor them. respect them. love them.
and make sure to keep caring for them. otherwise, dead brush will begin in their soul.
they have been sort of neglected for a while... (we've been busy) and so much dead stuff was hiding behind the healthy green brush. i mean i worked for hours cleaning out tree by tree. it surprised me because from the outside, the trees looked so healthy.
which got me thinking... what happens to the human soul when its been neglected? does that much dead stuff build up in it?
i think it does.
and then, we put up a "healthy" barrier to hide it.
can you imagine what a soul, with years of neglect, what it would look like? what neglect does to the human spirit?
it would be a wretched sight. it would be horrifying. there would be death and decay spreading throughout it like a plague. some areas would seem untouched, but when you looked deeper, beneath the outer layers, there it would lurk-the damage.
and what is sad, what is really really heartbreaking, is all of this, could be prevented
my trees, however, i do not know if they are beyond saving-ultimately, that is up to my dad. but to me, those trees looked far past recovery. if fact, they look like a hazard-a huge fire hazard. with all that dead brush sitting there, waiting to be cleared out, they could catch fire in an instant. and they sit right next to our house. we didnt even know it was that bad. thinking of what could have happened with the tiniest spark is terrifying. oh. and even worse. they are sitting between the power lines (they've gotten too tall, part of my job)
now apply this to humanity. when does a persons soul get so dead, that it becomes a hazard?
before i go into this, let me make it clear, i do not think the way to handle this is to rid ourselves of the people who are damaged. i dont think a human being is ever beyond repair.
that being said, if a person goes so long being neglected and having dead brush build up inside their soul, then they too only need a spark to set them off. it might not even be clear what the spark is. but either way it could be dangerously close to you and your family-like the trees to my house. and you may be completely unaware of the threat.
and to think...this could all be prevented.
seriously. it can.
all it takes is a smile. a simple recognition of the persons importance. a wave. a gesture. a "how do you do?" and it only takes a minute.
we are all created in the Image of God. therefore... we all deserve respect. we all deserve honor. they all deserve respect. they all deserve honor. they do not have to be a part of your "group" to be noticed. but that doesnt mean they shouldnt be.
they are God's children too.
honor them. respect them. love them.
and make sure to keep caring for them. otherwise, dead brush will begin in their soul.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
pangs and unease
so i get these little feelings when im deciding whether or not to do something. usually the feeling tells me when im not supposed to do something.
ive tried ignoring these feelings before...things do not bode well for me if i do. in fact, they usually turn out pretty crappy.
im convinced these "feelings" are the Holy Spirit.
call it hokey or whatever you'd like, but i know its true. ive made some crucial decision based on these feelings guiding me. i think God is looking out for me personally and He makes decisions on a daily basis with me.
but what happens when ive decided to do something and made plans, feeling like its the right decision, and then all of a sudden, it changes.
i feel horrible trying to explain that i cant go through with plans because ive got this "feeling" saying i shouldnt. how do you explain this to someone, especially when they might not share the same convictions or even the same faith??
it gets pretty sticky sometimes. and i feel like ive failed. like im a slacker. but ive got to stick to my convictions.
im sorry if this is inconvenient for you and your plans. i really am. but i wont stray from what God is telling me, whether you believe me or not.
ive tried ignoring these feelings before...things do not bode well for me if i do. in fact, they usually turn out pretty crappy.
im convinced these "feelings" are the Holy Spirit.
call it hokey or whatever you'd like, but i know its true. ive made some crucial decision based on these feelings guiding me. i think God is looking out for me personally and He makes decisions on a daily basis with me.
but what happens when ive decided to do something and made plans, feeling like its the right decision, and then all of a sudden, it changes.
i feel horrible trying to explain that i cant go through with plans because ive got this "feeling" saying i shouldnt. how do you explain this to someone, especially when they might not share the same convictions or even the same faith??
it gets pretty sticky sometimes. and i feel like ive failed. like im a slacker. but ive got to stick to my convictions.
im sorry if this is inconvenient for you and your plans. i really am. but i wont stray from what God is telling me, whether you believe me or not.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
shortcomings
actually, the term "shortcomings" is a vast understatement. what im talking about are failures. deep, personal failures.
i have become increasingly aware of some things i need to fix in my life. especially loving people.
over the years, i have realized that i have not loved people like i ought to have. i have failed them in this respect. and i have not done my job communicating love to them, both my love and God's love for them.
and so i would like to apologize. i would like to apologize for every wrong ive made, for every heart ive hurt and for every moment i have not openly expressed my love for you. i cannot go back and fix the things ive done but i can move forward.
i will move forward loving people. honestly and vulnerably loving people. because that is what i am called to do. i am called as a follower of God to love you. and i will go to every length possible to do so.
but remember, i am human. this is my ultimate goal, but i might have shortcomings along my path. but i will venture to love you. and i will never judge you. that is not my place.
my place is to love. and i do. i love you.
i have become increasingly aware of some things i need to fix in my life. especially loving people.
over the years, i have realized that i have not loved people like i ought to have. i have failed them in this respect. and i have not done my job communicating love to them, both my love and God's love for them.
and so i would like to apologize. i would like to apologize for every wrong ive made, for every heart ive hurt and for every moment i have not openly expressed my love for you. i cannot go back and fix the things ive done but i can move forward.
i will move forward loving people. honestly and vulnerably loving people. because that is what i am called to do. i am called as a follower of God to love you. and i will go to every length possible to do so.
but remember, i am human. this is my ultimate goal, but i might have shortcomings along my path. but i will venture to love you. and i will never judge you. that is not my place.
my place is to love. and i do. i love you.
relationships are hard
my friendship and relationship with God has been the most difficult one i have ever encountered. its like He is on the other side of the door and talking to me, but i cannot make out what He is saying to me-all i can hear is mumbled slurs that all run together. it is very frustrating because i want to hear what He is saying and im trying desperately to get through the door in order to hear Him, but i cant for the life of me.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
gardeners
when i was in elementary school, my grade put on a performance called "where does your garden grow" or something like that.... in the play we all dressed up like animals and plants and what have you. i was remembering this while working outside today.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
some thoughts
i dont fear God nearly as much as i should. not the way in He is scary, but in the way that He is awesome and He made me.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
so laura gave me this suggestion
...to make a list of 25 things i want to do before the end of summer. here goes.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
Monday, July 25, 2011
walls caving in
i drive myself insane. i really do. i say i want to do stuff with my life. i get the bursting feeling every time i read an inspirational book like donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years" or "blue like jazz" and i think to myself "i want to do that! i want to live like that!"
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
to live with a purpose
so theres this verse. jeremiah 29:11 right. probably overused but today it speaks to me.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
incomprehensible
92 lives were taken today in Norway. at least 85 of them were children. a man murdered them.
how as christians can we reconcile ourselves with this fact? my friend kirsten says we are supposed to be angry with the sin and not the sinner, angry with satan's hold on this man. but im angry with this man. how can i not be? he murdered people. he took their lives. who is he to play God?!?
i dont know if my anger is rightly placed. i dont know what to think of this damned world.
i just know my prayers are with those in norway. my prayers are with those in China. my prayers are with those in Kent.
so many lives were lost today. and others wounded. this is indeed a very broken world.
how as christians can we reconcile ourselves with this fact? my friend kirsten says we are supposed to be angry with the sin and not the sinner, angry with satan's hold on this man. but im angry with this man. how can i not be? he murdered people. he took their lives. who is he to play God?!?
i dont know if my anger is rightly placed. i dont know what to think of this damned world.
i just know my prayers are with those in norway. my prayers are with those in China. my prayers are with those in Kent.
so many lives were lost today. and others wounded. this is indeed a very broken world.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
plunging into the unknown
im going to get my hair cut tomorrow. its going to be pretty drastic. and im nervous beyond all get out.
i feel like im about to jump off a cliff. im scared of heights. and i have anxiety. its freaking me out.
i know i will be safe once i hit ground. its like jumping off the diving board the first time. its terrifying and the more you think about it, the scarier it gets.
but i think its more than just cutting my hair thats freaking me out. its the change i think it is going to bring in my life. cutting my hair is the first step. i have this little voice telling me to do it. like i need to do it. and that once i do, everything is going to change.
my life has been comfortable up until now. i lived my life following God and been doing the same ol' same. there have definitely been bumps along the way but its been a constant stride. im worried with this one action, everything is going to start unraveling and that my life's tapestry is suddenly going to become a whole new pattern.
and im scared of that. im scared that life wont just be comfortable anymore. and im scared what God wants me to do.
i think im actually starting to live for myself, but not in a selfish sort of way, but in the being the person God made me to be kind of way. giving your life over to God is not the easiest thing to do, even if it is the right thing to do.
like my friend chase put it: like aslan, Jesus is not safe, but He is good. following Him might not be safe, but it is good.
i know i need to do this. its just frightening. but it will be good. and doing this is just a start on trusting God to lead me through life.
i feel like im about to jump off a cliff. im scared of heights. and i have anxiety. its freaking me out.
i know i will be safe once i hit ground. its like jumping off the diving board the first time. its terrifying and the more you think about it, the scarier it gets.
but i think its more than just cutting my hair thats freaking me out. its the change i think it is going to bring in my life. cutting my hair is the first step. i have this little voice telling me to do it. like i need to do it. and that once i do, everything is going to change.
my life has been comfortable up until now. i lived my life following God and been doing the same ol' same. there have definitely been bumps along the way but its been a constant stride. im worried with this one action, everything is going to start unraveling and that my life's tapestry is suddenly going to become a whole new pattern.
and im scared of that. im scared that life wont just be comfortable anymore. and im scared what God wants me to do.
i think im actually starting to live for myself, but not in a selfish sort of way, but in the being the person God made me to be kind of way. giving your life over to God is not the easiest thing to do, even if it is the right thing to do.
like my friend chase put it: like aslan, Jesus is not safe, but He is good. following Him might not be safe, but it is good.
i know i need to do this. its just frightening. but it will be good. and doing this is just a start on trusting God to lead me through life.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
in the image of God He created them...
i have a lot of reservations and insecurities pertaining to who i am.
i get insecure about the way i look, what clothes i wear, how my makeup is, how my hair looks and most definitely how much i weigh.
currently im listening to phil wickham "you're beautiful" and something struck me.
Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them"
when we sing about how beautiful God is, we need to remember He gave us all that beauty when He created us. and when we hate on ourselves and pick away at what we dont like... we are hating at what God created and God Himself. we are created in His image.
i pay too much attention to what others want me to do. i think i have stifled myself by allowing others to make decisions for me when its my decision to make. and i think that is partly why i am so lost...
i want to put less stock in others opinions of myself and more in what God thinks of me. since i am created in His image after all. plus i think it matters more what God thinks of me. others tend to focus on my outward appearance-God focuses on my heart.
and so! i plan on having less reservations with my outward appearance. taking more risks. taking more chances and flourishing in to the me that God created. because by letting others control what i do and how i look im not living up to the potential God has for me. and i want to know what He had planned when He created me.
i get insecure about the way i look, what clothes i wear, how my makeup is, how my hair looks and most definitely how much i weigh.
currently im listening to phil wickham "you're beautiful" and something struck me.
Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them"
when we sing about how beautiful God is, we need to remember He gave us all that beauty when He created us. and when we hate on ourselves and pick away at what we dont like... we are hating at what God created and God Himself. we are created in His image.
i pay too much attention to what others want me to do. i think i have stifled myself by allowing others to make decisions for me when its my decision to make. and i think that is partly why i am so lost...
i want to put less stock in others opinions of myself and more in what God thinks of me. since i am created in His image after all. plus i think it matters more what God thinks of me. others tend to focus on my outward appearance-God focuses on my heart.
and so! i plan on having less reservations with my outward appearance. taking more risks. taking more chances and flourishing in to the me that God created. because by letting others control what i do and how i look im not living up to the potential God has for me. and i want to know what He had planned when He created me.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
its gotta be more like falling in love...
ive always loved that song-its so catchy and im like "yea, christianity should be like falling in love with Jesus"
the problem is... i havent fallen head over heels for the Guy yet. i mean i love Him and i love God. i know that He is Sovereign and that i should love Him. but im not in love with Him. and this bothers me.
i want to be someone who cries whenever they read the story of the crucifixion. someone whos heart actually breaks when i think of the poor or the needy. i want to fall in love with Jesus.
im worried my heart is too numb. that im not bothered enough but the conviction that i should be in love with God. im worried that im not bothered enough that im not actually doing anything with my life...
i know i have gifts and talents, but i dont know what they are. i probs would know if i did something to test them out. alas, i have not.
im boring. im safe. i stick to what i know and i do it well. im afraid to try new things because i might not like them and i might fail at them. now thats really daunting.
and im truly bothered that i dont love other people more. that im so incredibly selfish. and that, whilst living in my overly comfortable life i have issues giving my money away.
im also annoyed at my own hypocrisy. i tell other people to love and to not judge, etc etc and i cant even get over myself enough to do these own things. i judge everyone i see. and half the time i dont like what i see, so i cant bring myself to love them.
i have a friend who is always calling me out and proving me wrong. it pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, it is unbelievably refreshing. someone to call me out when im wrong. now who would have thought. everyone is always too busy trying not to offend everyone, when we really need to be proven wrong. well...i at least need to be proven wrong.
but seriously. im this hippy liberal of a christian who goes about spurting "love your neighbors! dont judge people! we arent called to be judges-thats God's job! we are called to love!" and what do i do. i judge. good job me....
i think i could work on these problems if i was in love with Jesus. i could work on a lot of problems i have...my selfishness, my insecurities, my greed... all of them. i wish i could fall in love with Jesus. im sick of my half assed Christianity. i cant just go through the hoops anymore and call it good. i need to get my act together. and quickly. im worried im running out of time. and im wasting my good years. ill pray about it.
the problem is... i havent fallen head over heels for the Guy yet. i mean i love Him and i love God. i know that He is Sovereign and that i should love Him. but im not in love with Him. and this bothers me.
i want to be someone who cries whenever they read the story of the crucifixion. someone whos heart actually breaks when i think of the poor or the needy. i want to fall in love with Jesus.
im worried my heart is too numb. that im not bothered enough but the conviction that i should be in love with God. im worried that im not bothered enough that im not actually doing anything with my life...
i know i have gifts and talents, but i dont know what they are. i probs would know if i did something to test them out. alas, i have not.
im boring. im safe. i stick to what i know and i do it well. im afraid to try new things because i might not like them and i might fail at them. now thats really daunting.
and im truly bothered that i dont love other people more. that im so incredibly selfish. and that, whilst living in my overly comfortable life i have issues giving my money away.
im also annoyed at my own hypocrisy. i tell other people to love and to not judge, etc etc and i cant even get over myself enough to do these own things. i judge everyone i see. and half the time i dont like what i see, so i cant bring myself to love them.
i have a friend who is always calling me out and proving me wrong. it pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, it is unbelievably refreshing. someone to call me out when im wrong. now who would have thought. everyone is always too busy trying not to offend everyone, when we really need to be proven wrong. well...i at least need to be proven wrong.
but seriously. im this hippy liberal of a christian who goes about spurting "love your neighbors! dont judge people! we arent called to be judges-thats God's job! we are called to love!" and what do i do. i judge. good job me....
i think i could work on these problems if i was in love with Jesus. i could work on a lot of problems i have...my selfishness, my insecurities, my greed... all of them. i wish i could fall in love with Jesus. im sick of my half assed Christianity. i cant just go through the hoops anymore and call it good. i need to get my act together. and quickly. im worried im running out of time. and im wasting my good years. ill pray about it.
narcissistic
ive been reading donald miller's blue like jazz, and ive realized, i am way too obsessed with myself. every thought i have revolves around me and what i can do to make me happy.
how can i make me look prettier. how can i get this person to notice me. what can i do to make me look better than the rest of these christians. etc. etc.
i also have a problem with getting credit. i know affirmation is a love language and all but ive taken it to a whole new level. i seriously get mad if people dont thank me for doing something or notice it. i announce if i have done something. i cant just do it to be nice. i need to be acknowledge. and there is something wrong with that.
i should think more of others. isnt that what Christ calls us to do anyways? are we not supposed to look after the poor and the widowed and the hungry? nope instead... i try to think of how i can make my self less poor, less hungry and more loved. pretty much all about me.
i need to get my act together. i need to start doing some service. and not the kind that everyone in the room stands up and applauds me either. i need some down to the dirty work humbling kind of service. maybs i should do tcl again.... but then i would probs want credit for how much better i was doing than everyone else. what i need to do is be on someones crew. have someone else set it up so they get the credit and i just help. writing anonymous notes could help too.... anything to get the focus off me.
i want to live like Christ lived, helping out the unloved and focusing on the people who needed it-not just the people that make me look cool. i want to do that.
my self needs a revamp. i need to be made new... and no. its not just a magical process that happens when you become a Christian. nope. it is a lifetime of work. and it takes God too. cant do it on your own. me and God have got to work on my attitude. ill pray about it. work on it. and hopefully sometime soon i can say that ive changed my habits and my life has only gotten better (but that time not for the credit, but to help encourage other people)
how can i make me look prettier. how can i get this person to notice me. what can i do to make me look better than the rest of these christians. etc. etc.
i also have a problem with getting credit. i know affirmation is a love language and all but ive taken it to a whole new level. i seriously get mad if people dont thank me for doing something or notice it. i announce if i have done something. i cant just do it to be nice. i need to be acknowledge. and there is something wrong with that.
i should think more of others. isnt that what Christ calls us to do anyways? are we not supposed to look after the poor and the widowed and the hungry? nope instead... i try to think of how i can make my self less poor, less hungry and more loved. pretty much all about me.
i need to get my act together. i need to start doing some service. and not the kind that everyone in the room stands up and applauds me either. i need some down to the dirty work humbling kind of service. maybs i should do tcl again.... but then i would probs want credit for how much better i was doing than everyone else. what i need to do is be on someones crew. have someone else set it up so they get the credit and i just help. writing anonymous notes could help too.... anything to get the focus off me.
i want to live like Christ lived, helping out the unloved and focusing on the people who needed it-not just the people that make me look cool. i want to do that.
my self needs a revamp. i need to be made new... and no. its not just a magical process that happens when you become a Christian. nope. it is a lifetime of work. and it takes God too. cant do it on your own. me and God have got to work on my attitude. ill pray about it. work on it. and hopefully sometime soon i can say that ive changed my habits and my life has only gotten better (but that time not for the credit, but to help encourage other people)
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