ive always loved that song-its so catchy and im like "yea, christianity should be like falling in love with Jesus"
the problem is... i havent fallen head over heels for the Guy yet. i mean i love Him and i love God. i know that He is Sovereign and that i should love Him. but im not in love with Him. and this bothers me.
i want to be someone who cries whenever they read the story of the crucifixion. someone whos heart actually breaks when i think of the poor or the needy. i want to fall in love with Jesus.
im worried my heart is too numb. that im not bothered enough but the conviction that i should be in love with God. im worried that im not bothered enough that im not actually doing anything with my life...
i know i have gifts and talents, but i dont know what they are. i probs would know if i did something to test them out. alas, i have not.
im boring. im safe. i stick to what i know and i do it well. im afraid to try new things because i might not like them and i might fail at them. now thats really daunting.
and im truly bothered that i dont love other people more. that im so incredibly selfish. and that, whilst living in my overly comfortable life i have issues giving my money away.
im also annoyed at my own hypocrisy. i tell other people to love and to not judge, etc etc and i cant even get over myself enough to do these own things. i judge everyone i see. and half the time i dont like what i see, so i cant bring myself to love them.
i have a friend who is always calling me out and proving me wrong. it pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, it is unbelievably refreshing. someone to call me out when im wrong. now who would have thought. everyone is always too busy trying not to offend everyone, when we really need to be proven wrong. well...i at least need to be proven wrong.
but seriously. im this hippy liberal of a christian who goes about spurting "love your neighbors! dont judge people! we arent called to be judges-thats God's job! we are called to love!" and what do i do. i judge. good job me....
i think i could work on these problems if i was in love with Jesus. i could work on a lot of problems i have...my selfishness, my insecurities, my greed... all of them. i wish i could fall in love with Jesus. im sick of my half assed Christianity. i cant just go through the hoops anymore and call it good. i need to get my act together. and quickly. im worried im running out of time. and im wasting my good years. ill pray about it.
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