i know there is a God

and i call Him Abba.

i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.

i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.

i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.

i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.

i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me

change

ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle


friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.


and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.


my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.


my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.


and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.


all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.

idolatry

a couple of days ago, i had surgery. and today, while i was chilling and lying around trying to heal, i decided to look on websites and search around for new shoes, new clothes, new scarves, etc etc etc.


by the end of the day, i realized ive spent waaaaaaaaaaay too much time thinking about what i want instead of being grateful for what i have. and i ended up in this horrible mood. 


and then i read Jesus Calling tonight.

Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes.  There are several dangers to this practice.  First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you.  Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer's spiritual, emotional ad physical condition.  The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry.  Your concern to please other dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator.
It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes.  My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin.  Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved.   Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace.  Respond to My loving Presence by worshiping Me in spirit and in truth.

Hebrews 11:6; John 4:23-24

the truth is, i feel way insecure around the new freshmen on my floor. they are so freaking cute and fashionable, and i honestly was trying to make myself "up to par" with them. i was placing their opinion-which probably doesnt even come from my appearance-even higher than my healing from surgery.


and the sad part is. i should be showing them not to go down this path. im the sophomore, the one who is older and supposed to be leading them.  im supposed to be helping them discover that they are worth so much more than the clothes that they wear, the makeup thats on their faces, and the perfume they sprayed on.

God help me to be wise.  help me to show these beautiful young women that YOU are whom they should look to please.  boys wont please them. friends wont please them. only You can fill that desire.  help me to lead these young women to You, to show them Your Love. Your beautiful, wonderful and inexplicable Love. i love you Abba. thank You so much for these young women You have placed in my life.

lessons

lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.


good news is you can always get better, right?


but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks.  God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.


worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.


and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.


im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.


there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.


its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.


kind of like pride.


i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.


ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.