its been a long time

so unfortunately school has taken over my life. which i guess is good, since im in college to get an education. but i havent been able to reflect quite as much as id like. and there are a lot of things that need reflecting. that need processing. and im just on the tip.


so much has happened over the past year. so much has changed. ive documented only the tiniest bit in comparison of whats taken place. and i dont think i have the ability to go through all of it. least not now. this will be a long process.


lets just start things off by saying i am in a much better place than i was in my previous posts from this year. so much better. and God is so good. i havent the ability to convey His goodness and His mercies. they truly are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23)  Abba has turned my life around and brought me out of the darkest times. its incredible to think how far ive come.


earlier this year, things were not the best in immediate relationships.  there was brokenness, pain, darkness and terror.  i was terrified of the possibilities of losing someone immensely dear to me. my roommate knows the darkness that haunted me and the fear that plagued me. i was living in a horrific nightmare i could not escape. and as i desperately clung to God who was my only lifeboat, i screamed at Him too, asking Him why i had to experience these things. why on earth did i need to see someone whom i cherish go through what i had been through. wasnt it enough to have let me face those terrors alone?


but i never lost my faith in Him. it never staggered. 


God's grace is evident in my faith. and eventually, my loved one got better. things got easier. and i was/am so grateful to Abba for pulling that person out of the darkness. but its hard. its hard to remember what it was like going through that pain. its hard to remember that i was so scared, so scared at one point in life of losing my loved one. that persons birthday was not long ago. and on that day i realized how scary it was. how hard it is still to look back and realize what a nightmare i was living in. i dont know if ill ever get over that. at the same time it was painful to remember, it was a reminder of how beautiful my Saviour is and how blessed i am to have Him. He alone saved my loved one and brought that person out of their pain.  He alone is worthy of my praise.


and my words do not even begin to explain the depth of my fear. let me be clear. i cannot explain how much i was hurting. how terrified i was. how broken my life was.


but in the same time. i can assure you life is so much better. God is so good. so good. because now i can laugh again. now i can smile. even though that time still haunts me and hangs in the background like a fog, i am surrounded in light.  i will never again take my laughter, my joy for granted. you would have thought id learn that the first time around. but watching someone else go through that and not being able to do anything except depend on God, has taught me some things.

God is good.
God is love.
God is my strength
He is my soul.
His love is full of grace.
He can work miracles.
He can bring healing.
He is the impossible and through Him, He can make all things possible.

im sorry if this is a bit scatter-brained, but its hard to explain and find words to portray my heart. just know i wouldnt be here in this place of peace without my Saviour.

as time passes

so its been forever since ive posted anything.... which is sad to me because i love blogging. i love looking back and seeing what i have learned and how far ive come. but now there are months between posts and ive gone through so much without capturing it in words.


lets swing up to date. as of now i am a communications major. i do not exactly know which track to take (com or journalism) but i know i want to be under that broad spectrum.  i also want to be an editor. i love looking through peoples papers and finding stuff to fix and making them better. which is funny because my blog is horrible technical wise.


i have made new friends and reconnected with old.  that has been especially trying this year.  friends have been INCREDIBLY busy. its ridiculous.  one works three jobs. another works 20 hours a week.  my roommate and i work 6 hours a week on opposite days so we never see each other. and we are best friends. laura is back from israel but i talk to her even less now than when she was gone. like i said. its been hard.


but honestly, its shown me how much i truly value these friendships and what im willing to do in order to make them last. i want to pursue these people and have them in my life. i love and adore them. just seeing them makes my day.  


family life has been hard too.  we went through trying times this year. it was a struggle for me to get through it. i was down right pissed at God a couple of times. but He got us through and i am so thankful for His faithfulness. i do not know where we would be without Him.


i ran a 5k a month or so ago.  i ran the entire thing, under 30 minutes.  i was so surprised! since then ive amped up my mile time and am around 8.30-9 minutes a mile. so impressed with myself ha!  but i love running now and its really helped me keep in shape.


its the end of winter quarter and ive learned so much.  i really dont want college to end (well i could do without the expense). i honestly love my friends so much. its unbelievable looking back to where i was in high school and where i am now. i found a prayer written in my bible from a couple summers ago...


God,
this is my prayer: that You will lead me down paths that i can follow.  that i can clearly see the right decision.  that You will grant me wisdom and grace.  and teach me how to trust and forgive.  that i will find friendships and love and that ill always feel accepted. 
Amen.


Abba is so wonderful! He honestly has answered so many of these prayers and i know He is working towards them all.  i now pray that i discover my gifts and my calling and can use them to glorify Him.  


ill be writing again on this hopefully. until then God bless.

Gratitude

Thank You Abba for bringing me through this. Thank You for Your love and Your faithfulness. Thank You for holding me close and keeping me safe. Thank You Lord for all that You've done. Thank You that this is finally done, finally finished.