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this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.


its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him.  i dont think we are meant to...


its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me.  dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.


i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.


i didnt think friendships would be this hard either.  i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.


i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty.  and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.


its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend.  and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.


my friend emily said im like a well.  ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.


like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever.  i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.


i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok.  that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.

do you remember

10 years ago. today.


i remember. i crawled onto my parents bed and watched as the 2nd tower fell. i remember not understanding. my mother in disbelief. 


i remember the next day going to school. talking about it with my teacher. and my fellow students. it had been one girls birthday. she said it was her worst birthday ever.


i remember then fearing for my dad when he left for a trip. hoping something like this would never happen again. 


i remember things changing. the airports becoming more hectic. the security lines new and foreign. what it had been like before, when we were able to walk out to the gate.


i remembering fearing flying, when before, it had been a loved experience.


i remember when we went to war. the war on terror... i remember not being old enough to understand.


i remember when osama bin laden was killed. and not understanding again. 


i dont think ill ever understand this travesty. i dont think i will ever comprehend the evil that exist. i dont think i will ever be able to reconcile taking one mans life for the greater good, but at the same time, still taking that mans life. i dont understand how this one man also took so many lives. so many lives that were not his to take. and how we went to war to fight this man and the beliefs he stood for. and how we lost so many more lives in this pursuit. 


and as i watch the footage of the events from 10 years ago, i am forced to try and understand. to try and reconcile. i dont  know if i will ever be able to.


this anger, this hatred for other people. it has to stop. this murdering and terrorism and holocausts and genocides and wars. they need to stop. 


it shouldnt take this big of an event to wake the world up to the atrocities that we have turned a blind eye for so long. 


10 years ago i remember what happened.