its been a long time

so unfortunately school has taken over my life. which i guess is good, since im in college to get an education. but i havent been able to reflect quite as much as id like. and there are a lot of things that need reflecting. that need processing. and im just on the tip.


so much has happened over the past year. so much has changed. ive documented only the tiniest bit in comparison of whats taken place. and i dont think i have the ability to go through all of it. least not now. this will be a long process.


lets just start things off by saying i am in a much better place than i was in my previous posts from this year. so much better. and God is so good. i havent the ability to convey His goodness and His mercies. they truly are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23)  Abba has turned my life around and brought me out of the darkest times. its incredible to think how far ive come.


earlier this year, things were not the best in immediate relationships.  there was brokenness, pain, darkness and terror.  i was terrified of the possibilities of losing someone immensely dear to me. my roommate knows the darkness that haunted me and the fear that plagued me. i was living in a horrific nightmare i could not escape. and as i desperately clung to God who was my only lifeboat, i screamed at Him too, asking Him why i had to experience these things. why on earth did i need to see someone whom i cherish go through what i had been through. wasnt it enough to have let me face those terrors alone?


but i never lost my faith in Him. it never staggered. 


God's grace is evident in my faith. and eventually, my loved one got better. things got easier. and i was/am so grateful to Abba for pulling that person out of the darkness. but its hard. its hard to remember what it was like going through that pain. its hard to remember that i was so scared, so scared at one point in life of losing my loved one. that persons birthday was not long ago. and on that day i realized how scary it was. how hard it is still to look back and realize what a nightmare i was living in. i dont know if ill ever get over that. at the same time it was painful to remember, it was a reminder of how beautiful my Saviour is and how blessed i am to have Him. He alone saved my loved one and brought that person out of their pain.  He alone is worthy of my praise.


and my words do not even begin to explain the depth of my fear. let me be clear. i cannot explain how much i was hurting. how terrified i was. how broken my life was.


but in the same time. i can assure you life is so much better. God is so good. so good. because now i can laugh again. now i can smile. even though that time still haunts me and hangs in the background like a fog, i am surrounded in light.  i will never again take my laughter, my joy for granted. you would have thought id learn that the first time around. but watching someone else go through that and not being able to do anything except depend on God, has taught me some things.

God is good.
God is love.
God is my strength
He is my soul.
His love is full of grace.
He can work miracles.
He can bring healing.
He is the impossible and through Him, He can make all things possible.

im sorry if this is a bit scatter-brained, but its hard to explain and find words to portray my heart. just know i wouldnt be here in this place of peace without my Saviour.

as time passes

so its been forever since ive posted anything.... which is sad to me because i love blogging. i love looking back and seeing what i have learned and how far ive come. but now there are months between posts and ive gone through so much without capturing it in words.


lets swing up to date. as of now i am a communications major. i do not exactly know which track to take (com or journalism) but i know i want to be under that broad spectrum.  i also want to be an editor. i love looking through peoples papers and finding stuff to fix and making them better. which is funny because my blog is horrible technical wise.


i have made new friends and reconnected with old.  that has been especially trying this year.  friends have been INCREDIBLY busy. its ridiculous.  one works three jobs. another works 20 hours a week.  my roommate and i work 6 hours a week on opposite days so we never see each other. and we are best friends. laura is back from israel but i talk to her even less now than when she was gone. like i said. its been hard.


but honestly, its shown me how much i truly value these friendships and what im willing to do in order to make them last. i want to pursue these people and have them in my life. i love and adore them. just seeing them makes my day.  


family life has been hard too.  we went through trying times this year. it was a struggle for me to get through it. i was down right pissed at God a couple of times. but He got us through and i am so thankful for His faithfulness. i do not know where we would be without Him.


i ran a 5k a month or so ago.  i ran the entire thing, under 30 minutes.  i was so surprised! since then ive amped up my mile time and am around 8.30-9 minutes a mile. so impressed with myself ha!  but i love running now and its really helped me keep in shape.


its the end of winter quarter and ive learned so much.  i really dont want college to end (well i could do without the expense). i honestly love my friends so much. its unbelievable looking back to where i was in high school and where i am now. i found a prayer written in my bible from a couple summers ago...


God,
this is my prayer: that You will lead me down paths that i can follow.  that i can clearly see the right decision.  that You will grant me wisdom and grace.  and teach me how to trust and forgive.  that i will find friendships and love and that ill always feel accepted. 
Amen.


Abba is so wonderful! He honestly has answered so many of these prayers and i know He is working towards them all.  i now pray that i discover my gifts and my calling and can use them to glorify Him.  


ill be writing again on this hopefully. until then God bless.

Gratitude

Thank You Abba for bringing me through this. Thank You for Your love and Your faithfulness. Thank You for holding me close and keeping me safe. Thank You Lord for all that You've done. Thank You that this is finally done, finally finished.

anger

ive started to realize how empty and pointless anger is. ive noticed that it is honestly just a show, for me at least. slamming doors, yelling, hiding in my room in order for people to seek me out. its just a show. and not a very good one at that.


ive noticed that when i get angry, especially lately, and when i do these things, i find no satisfaction in them. i actually feel worse after them. and i dont like it.


im starting to discover that my anger, when its not just or with a right cause, is like a chasm. there is no bottom. its empty. and it just keeps going. theres no point to it other than to suck you in.


and so im tired of how ive been living and the anger thats consumed me. instead, i want to work on my issues and get them off my chest in a respectful and calm matter, without all the show. i want there to be honesty and simple matter-of-fact approach.

ive noticed something about myself lately

and its not something im pleased with. it concerns my attitude and the way  approach the Bible. its not the whole Bible, but that shouldnt matter. it is still Gods word. and for some reason i think i can have a problem with it.


i get annoyed with certain passages i think are cliché, over used or just plain annoying. and that is not ok. it shouldnt matter to me what people have done with a verse (unless of course they are using it for evil or something, but thats a different issue). what im talking about is how i perceive others use of a verse to be less than my standards or whats ok with me. and honestly, nothing should be lower than my standards because i shouldnt have standards when approaching the Bible.


i should look at it, read it and listen to it in reverence and respect. i should hold it in the same awe i hold God in. and i shouldnt get an attitude about verses like "trust in the LORD with all your heart" or others. just because i dont like the song that is associated with it does not give me the right to disregard it. it is still a part of Gods word to me.


i need to adjust my attitude and get it right before God because it is Him whom i should be looking to please, not myself.

i dont know what the problem is

but lately ive really been struggling with insecurity.  for some reason i cant shake the feeling of it.


ive been down on myself. criticizing myself.  and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all. 


but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change.  especially in terms of working out. 


i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults.  and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.


and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.


i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.


but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.

encore plus de leçons

this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.


its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him.  i dont think we are meant to...


its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me.  dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.


i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.


i didnt think friendships would be this hard either.  i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.


i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty.  and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.


its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend.  and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.


my friend emily said im like a well.  ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.


like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever.  i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.


i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok.  that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.