as time passes

so its been forever since ive posted anything.... which is sad to me because i love blogging. i love looking back and seeing what i have learned and how far ive come. but now there are months between posts and ive gone through so much without capturing it in words.


lets swing up to date. as of now i am a communications major. i do not exactly know which track to take (com or journalism) but i know i want to be under that broad spectrum.  i also want to be an editor. i love looking through peoples papers and finding stuff to fix and making them better. which is funny because my blog is horrible technical wise.


i have made new friends and reconnected with old.  that has been especially trying this year.  friends have been INCREDIBLY busy. its ridiculous.  one works three jobs. another works 20 hours a week.  my roommate and i work 6 hours a week on opposite days so we never see each other. and we are best friends. laura is back from israel but i talk to her even less now than when she was gone. like i said. its been hard.


but honestly, its shown me how much i truly value these friendships and what im willing to do in order to make them last. i want to pursue these people and have them in my life. i love and adore them. just seeing them makes my day.  


family life has been hard too.  we went through trying times this year. it was a struggle for me to get through it. i was down right pissed at God a couple of times. but He got us through and i am so thankful for His faithfulness. i do not know where we would be without Him.


i ran a 5k a month or so ago.  i ran the entire thing, under 30 minutes.  i was so surprised! since then ive amped up my mile time and am around 8.30-9 minutes a mile. so impressed with myself ha!  but i love running now and its really helped me keep in shape.


its the end of winter quarter and ive learned so much.  i really dont want college to end (well i could do without the expense). i honestly love my friends so much. its unbelievable looking back to where i was in high school and where i am now. i found a prayer written in my bible from a couple summers ago...


God,
this is my prayer: that You will lead me down paths that i can follow.  that i can clearly see the right decision.  that You will grant me wisdom and grace.  and teach me how to trust and forgive.  that i will find friendships and love and that ill always feel accepted. 
Amen.


Abba is so wonderful! He honestly has answered so many of these prayers and i know He is working towards them all.  i now pray that i discover my gifts and my calling and can use them to glorify Him.  


ill be writing again on this hopefully. until then God bless.

anger

ive started to realize how empty and pointless anger is. ive noticed that it is honestly just a show, for me at least. slamming doors, yelling, hiding in my room in order for people to seek me out. its just a show. and not a very good one at that.


ive noticed that when i get angry, especially lately, and when i do these things, i find no satisfaction in them. i actually feel worse after them. and i dont like it.


im starting to discover that my anger, when its not just or with a right cause, is like a chasm. there is no bottom. its empty. and it just keeps going. theres no point to it other than to suck you in.


and so im tired of how ive been living and the anger thats consumed me. instead, i want to work on my issues and get them off my chest in a respectful and calm matter, without all the show. i want there to be honesty and simple matter-of-fact approach.

ive noticed something about myself lately

and its not something im pleased with. it concerns my attitude and the way  approach the Bible. its not the whole Bible, but that shouldnt matter. it is still Gods word. and for some reason i think i can have a problem with it.


i get annoyed with certain passages i think are cliché, over used or just plain annoying. and that is not ok. it shouldnt matter to me what people have done with a verse (unless of course they are using it for evil or something, but thats a different issue). what im talking about is how i perceive others use of a verse to be less than my standards or whats ok with me. and honestly, nothing should be lower than my standards because i shouldnt have standards when approaching the Bible.


i should look at it, read it and listen to it in reverence and respect. i should hold it in the same awe i hold God in. and i shouldnt get an attitude about verses like "trust in the LORD with all your heart" or others. just because i dont like the song that is associated with it does not give me the right to disregard it. it is still a part of Gods word to me.


i need to adjust my attitude and get it right before God because it is Him whom i should be looking to please, not myself.

i dont know what the problem is

but lately ive really been struggling with insecurity.  for some reason i cant shake the feeling of it.


ive been down on myself. criticizing myself.  and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all. 


but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change.  especially in terms of working out. 


i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults.  and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.


and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.


i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.


but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.

encore plus de leçons

this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.


its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him.  i dont think we are meant to...


its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me.  dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.


i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.


i didnt think friendships would be this hard either.  i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.


i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty.  and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.


its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend.  and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.


my friend emily said im like a well.  ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.


like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever.  i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.


i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok.  that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.

those moments....

you know those moments when time just hits you in the face and you realized how longs it been since youve talked to one of your best friends?


that just happened to me. her name is laura. and i miss her so so much. she has been gone on a study abroad for months now. and she comes home next week. but i wont get to see her for three more weeks after that.


i think i deal with things better when i forget about them. i push them away out of my brain. at least, thats what ive been doing all quarter. anything upsetting that ive experienced, ive ran from and pushed away from my thoughts. and its probably not healthy but its what has kept me sane these past months.


but now im home, school is over for the quarter and im left with plenty of time to reminisce and remember things and people.


its been a hard quarter. its been really rough. and ive had my eyes opened to many things in my life that i need to (and am currently working on) changing.


but i wish laura had been here with me. i wish i had been more invested in keeping in touch. i was originally... and then i lost steam. and then i ran away. and then i realized how much ive missed. and i regret it.


i cant wait to catch up with my beautiful best friend and learn how she has grown, what God has taught her, how He has worked in her life. i cant wait to hear about her experiences, to learn which were her favorite, to know where she felt Abba the most. i cant wait to talk to her and have her listen to what ive been learning. i cant wait to hug her and cry of joy. because i probably will. i miss her that much.


but this has taught me to remember, time is a precious gift and once lost, can never be regained.  i promise to (try) to make the most of my time with you laura. i love you and am so excited to have you "home" once again.

change

ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle


friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.


and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.


my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.


my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.


and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.


all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.

idolatry

a couple of days ago, i had surgery. and today, while i was chilling and lying around trying to heal, i decided to look on websites and search around for new shoes, new clothes, new scarves, etc etc etc.


by the end of the day, i realized ive spent waaaaaaaaaaay too much time thinking about what i want instead of being grateful for what i have. and i ended up in this horrible mood. 


and then i read Jesus Calling tonight.

Beware of seeing yourself through other people's eyes.  There are several dangers to this practice.  First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you.  Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer's spiritual, emotional ad physical condition.  The major problem with letting others define you is that it borders on idolatry.  Your concern to please other dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator.
It is much more real to see yourself through My eyes.  My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin.  Through My eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved.   Rest in My loving gaze, and you will recieve deep Peace.  Respond to My loving Presence by worshiping Me in spirit and in truth.

Hebrews 11:6; John 4:23-24

the truth is, i feel way insecure around the new freshmen on my floor. they are so freaking cute and fashionable, and i honestly was trying to make myself "up to par" with them. i was placing their opinion-which probably doesnt even come from my appearance-even higher than my healing from surgery.


and the sad part is. i should be showing them not to go down this path. im the sophomore, the one who is older and supposed to be leading them.  im supposed to be helping them discover that they are worth so much more than the clothes that they wear, the makeup thats on their faces, and the perfume they sprayed on.

God help me to be wise.  help me to show these beautiful young women that YOU are whom they should look to please.  boys wont please them. friends wont please them. only You can fill that desire.  help me to lead these young women to You, to show them Your Love. Your beautiful, wonderful and inexplicable Love. i love you Abba. thank You so much for these young women You have placed in my life.

lessons

lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.


good news is you can always get better, right?


but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks.  God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.


worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.


and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.


im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.


there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.


its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.


kind of like pride.


i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.


ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.