i dont know what the problem is

but lately ive really been struggling with insecurity.  for some reason i cant shake the feeling of it.


ive been down on myself. criticizing myself.  and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all. 


but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change.  especially in terms of working out. 


i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults.  and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.


and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.


i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.


but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.

change

ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle


friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.


and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.


my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.


my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.


and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.


all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.

uncertainty

so i just got back to school (fyi its so good to be back and my floor is amazing) but i am stressed beyond all belief


im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.


but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.


so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...


pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.

do you remember

10 years ago. today.


i remember. i crawled onto my parents bed and watched as the 2nd tower fell. i remember not understanding. my mother in disbelief. 


i remember the next day going to school. talking about it with my teacher. and my fellow students. it had been one girls birthday. she said it was her worst birthday ever.


i remember then fearing for my dad when he left for a trip. hoping something like this would never happen again. 


i remember things changing. the airports becoming more hectic. the security lines new and foreign. what it had been like before, when we were able to walk out to the gate.


i remembering fearing flying, when before, it had been a loved experience.


i remember when we went to war. the war on terror... i remember not being old enough to understand.


i remember when osama bin laden was killed. and not understanding again. 


i dont think ill ever understand this travesty. i dont think i will ever comprehend the evil that exist. i dont think i will ever be able to reconcile taking one mans life for the greater good, but at the same time, still taking that mans life. i dont understand how this one man also took so many lives. so many lives that were not his to take. and how we went to war to fight this man and the beliefs he stood for. and how we lost so many more lives in this pursuit. 


and as i watch the footage of the events from 10 years ago, i am forced to try and understand. to try and reconcile. i dont  know if i will ever be able to.


this anger, this hatred for other people. it has to stop. this murdering and terrorism and holocausts and genocides and wars. they need to stop. 


it shouldnt take this big of an event to wake the world up to the atrocities that we have turned a blind eye for so long. 


10 years ago i remember what happened.