relationships are hard

my friendship and relationship with God has been the most difficult one i have ever encountered.  its like He is on the other side of the door and talking to me, but i cannot make out what He is saying to me-all i can hear is mumbled slurs that all run together.  it is very frustrating because i want to hear what He is saying and im trying desperately to get through the door in order to hear Him, but i cant for the life of me.  


it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had.  i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway.  and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry.  and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.  


but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly.  its aggravating. 


i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God.  i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth.  and yet... im missing the key.


maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me.  maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.


maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock,  and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.