as time passes

so its been forever since ive posted anything.... which is sad to me because i love blogging. i love looking back and seeing what i have learned and how far ive come. but now there are months between posts and ive gone through so much without capturing it in words.


lets swing up to date. as of now i am a communications major. i do not exactly know which track to take (com or journalism) but i know i want to be under that broad spectrum.  i also want to be an editor. i love looking through peoples papers and finding stuff to fix and making them better. which is funny because my blog is horrible technical wise.


i have made new friends and reconnected with old.  that has been especially trying this year.  friends have been INCREDIBLY busy. its ridiculous.  one works three jobs. another works 20 hours a week.  my roommate and i work 6 hours a week on opposite days so we never see each other. and we are best friends. laura is back from israel but i talk to her even less now than when she was gone. like i said. its been hard.


but honestly, its shown me how much i truly value these friendships and what im willing to do in order to make them last. i want to pursue these people and have them in my life. i love and adore them. just seeing them makes my day.  


family life has been hard too.  we went through trying times this year. it was a struggle for me to get through it. i was down right pissed at God a couple of times. but He got us through and i am so thankful for His faithfulness. i do not know where we would be without Him.


i ran a 5k a month or so ago.  i ran the entire thing, under 30 minutes.  i was so surprised! since then ive amped up my mile time and am around 8.30-9 minutes a mile. so impressed with myself ha!  but i love running now and its really helped me keep in shape.


its the end of winter quarter and ive learned so much.  i really dont want college to end (well i could do without the expense). i honestly love my friends so much. its unbelievable looking back to where i was in high school and where i am now. i found a prayer written in my bible from a couple summers ago...


God,
this is my prayer: that You will lead me down paths that i can follow.  that i can clearly see the right decision.  that You will grant me wisdom and grace.  and teach me how to trust and forgive.  that i will find friendships and love and that ill always feel accepted. 
Amen.


Abba is so wonderful! He honestly has answered so many of these prayers and i know He is working towards them all.  i now pray that i discover my gifts and my calling and can use them to glorify Him.  


ill be writing again on this hopefully. until then God bless.

those moments....

you know those moments when time just hits you in the face and you realized how longs it been since youve talked to one of your best friends?


that just happened to me. her name is laura. and i miss her so so much. she has been gone on a study abroad for months now. and she comes home next week. but i wont get to see her for three more weeks after that.


i think i deal with things better when i forget about them. i push them away out of my brain. at least, thats what ive been doing all quarter. anything upsetting that ive experienced, ive ran from and pushed away from my thoughts. and its probably not healthy but its what has kept me sane these past months.


but now im home, school is over for the quarter and im left with plenty of time to reminisce and remember things and people.


its been a hard quarter. its been really rough. and ive had my eyes opened to many things in my life that i need to (and am currently working on) changing.


but i wish laura had been here with me. i wish i had been more invested in keeping in touch. i was originally... and then i lost steam. and then i ran away. and then i realized how much ive missed. and i regret it.


i cant wait to catch up with my beautiful best friend and learn how she has grown, what God has taught her, how He has worked in her life. i cant wait to hear about her experiences, to learn which were her favorite, to know where she felt Abba the most. i cant wait to talk to her and have her listen to what ive been learning. i cant wait to hug her and cry of joy. because i probably will. i miss her that much.


but this has taught me to remember, time is a precious gift and once lost, can never be regained.  i promise to (try) to make the most of my time with you laura. i love you and am so excited to have you "home" once again.

i know there is a God

and i call Him Abba.

i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.

i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.

i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.

i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.

i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me

change

ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle


friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.


and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.


my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.


my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.


and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.


all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.