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this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.


its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him.  i dont think we are meant to...


its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me.  dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.


i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.


i didnt think friendships would be this hard either.  i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.


i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty.  and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.


its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend.  and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.


my friend emily said im like a well.  ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.


like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever.  i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.


i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok.  that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.

i know there is a God

and i call Him Abba.

i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.

i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.

i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.

i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.

i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me

change

ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle


friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.


and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.


my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.


my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.


and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.


all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.

uncertainty

so i just got back to school (fyi its so good to be back and my floor is amazing) but i am stressed beyond all belief


im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.


but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.


so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...


pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.