lessons

lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.


good news is you can always get better, right?


but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks.  God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.


worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.


and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.


im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.


there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.


its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.


kind of like pride.


i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.


ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.