so its been forever since ive posted anything.... which is sad to me because i love blogging. i love looking back and seeing what i have learned and how far ive come. but now there are months between posts and ive gone through so much without capturing it in words.
lets swing up to date. as of now i am a communications major. i do not exactly know which track to take (com or journalism) but i know i want to be under that broad spectrum. i also want to be an editor. i love looking through peoples papers and finding stuff to fix and making them better. which is funny because my blog is horrible technical wise.
i have made new friends and reconnected with old. that has been especially trying this year. friends have been INCREDIBLY busy. its ridiculous. one works three jobs. another works 20 hours a week. my roommate and i work 6 hours a week on opposite days so we never see each other. and we are best friends. laura is back from israel but i talk to her even less now than when she was gone. like i said. its been hard.
but honestly, its shown me how much i truly value these friendships and what im willing to do in order to make them last. i want to pursue these people and have them in my life. i love and adore them. just seeing them makes my day.
family life has been hard too. we went through trying times this year. it was a struggle for me to get through it. i was down right pissed at God a couple of times. but He got us through and i am so thankful for His faithfulness. i do not know where we would be without Him.
i ran a 5k a month or so ago. i ran the entire thing, under 30 minutes. i was so surprised! since then ive amped up my mile time and am around 8.30-9 minutes a mile. so impressed with myself ha! but i love running now and its really helped me keep in shape.
its the end of winter quarter and ive learned so much. i really dont want college to end (well i could do without the expense). i honestly love my friends so much. its unbelievable looking back to where i was in high school and where i am now. i found a prayer written in my bible from a couple summers ago...
God,
this is my prayer: that You will lead me down paths that i can follow. that i can clearly see the right decision. that You will grant me wisdom and grace. and teach me how to trust and forgive. that i will find friendships and love and that ill always feel accepted.
Amen.
Abba is so wonderful! He honestly has answered so many of these prayers and i know He is working towards them all. i now pray that i discover my gifts and my calling and can use them to glorify Him.
ill be writing again on this hopefully. until then God bless.
Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
encore plus de leçons
this year/quarter has been incredibly hard on me. its been trying. its been rough. its taught me to rely on God and how not to rely on myself.
its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him. i dont think we are meant to...
its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me. dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.
i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.
i didnt think friendships would be this hard either. i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.
i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty. and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.
its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend. and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.
my friend emily said im like a well. ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.
like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever. i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.
i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok. that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.
its been difficult walking through these trials and i will admit, ive gotten angry, furious even, with God. i love Him and always have faith in Him, but i dont always understand Him. i dont think we are meant to...
its been hard stepping into shoes i was not aware i was needed to fill. i had no idea of the responsibilities of being a sophomore on my floor of girls would bring. i had no idea of the emotional investment and drain it would have on me. dont get me wrong, i love all of them and love the role i play in their lives, but it has taken more than i ever thought it would.
i didnt know how much change was going to come with my second year in college-i thought i had gotten through the rough stuff last year and this year was going to be so much easier. that was a lie. i am learning so many more things this year than last year, and from people and in ways i did not see coming.
i didnt think friendships would be this hard either. i didnt think trying to invest in another persons life and wanting/trying to have them invest in you would be such a challenge. i didnt expect the pain that would come with it.
i guess i should have, seeing how so many failed and broken relationships and friendships ive come from, but i thought it would be different in this state of community i live. but i was wrong. there is so much more vulnerability in these friendships, so much more honesty. and its hard to watch them break and fall apart, while you scramble to clean up the pieces and put them back together.
its hard working on something with all my effort and not have it appreciated. its hard being left out and not important. its hard not being the go to friend. and im learning how to deal with it. but also how to say thats not ok in my friendships. i want them to be a two way street. i want the other person to put in some effort so that it doesnt feel like im the only one trying. i want them to care enough to know how to reach me.
my friend emily said im like a well. ive been giving and giving away my water to fill the needs of others. but ive come to the point where my own well is empty and i have nothing left to give. and im disappointed that my friends are not there to give me any back. and it hurts. because i desperately want them to invest in me. i want there to be that kind of love and care where i dont have to beg for that attention. because i dont want to be needy. i just want them to show me they care. that im worth a damn to them. that they love me.
like i said, its been a struggle. and this is not all... its just what im currently dealing with and comfortable enough to share. i havent given up on God, nor will i ever. i depend on Him for everything and everything that i am. i just need a safe place to run where its ok if im broken and if im not strong enough to handle all of these things on my own. because im not. and i firmly believe God gives us people to speak through them and into us. i just either keep missing His messages or am looking in the wrong places.
i just have to keep walking along, trusting that in the end, everything will be ok. that He will call me home and i will be safe, finally then with Him.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
i know there is a God
and i call Him Abba.
i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.
i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.
i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.
i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.
i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me
i know He exists. because if He didnt, id be falling to pieces right now. i know He exists because when my capacity to love and care for others is far past its limit, i somehow find more to give. and its not my love flowing through me, its His.
i know there is a God. i know He has a plan. i know right now its confusing and there is a lot of pain, brokenness and strain, but i know He will come through. that His love and grace will cover this all.
i know He is by my side. walking with me. and when i can no longer keep going, He is there to carry me.
i know this world is devastatingly broken. that its falling apart. and that without Him, there would be no hope. but He is there to carry my burdens, to grant me peace and carry me in His loving arms.
i know there is God. i know He is my God. i know i have a deep and unbreakable relationship with Him. and that He loves me
Sunday, October 16, 2011
change
ive realized i dont handle change very well.... this year has especially been a struggle
friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.
and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.
my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.
my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.
and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.
all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.
friendships have been shifting, groups rearranging and people deciding what to do with their lives. some are pursing significant others. more are moving away. and then the rest are just going ahead with school.
and im kind of just stuck at a standstill. not really knowing where im going.
my best friend laura tells me i need to get moving, its easier to steer a moving ship than one thats not going anywhere.
my best friend hillary says as long as im pursing God ill be good to go.
and i want to get going and i want to be moving. but i dont know how to start.
all of these things are overwhelming me. im trying to except the change and uncertainty in my life, because it really just boils down to me not trusting God. im trying, but its hard.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
lessons
lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.
good news is you can always get better, right?
but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks. God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.
worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.
and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.
im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.
there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.
its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.
kind of like pride.
i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.
ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.
good news is you can always get better, right?
but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks. God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.
worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.
and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.
im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.
there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.
its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.
kind of like pride.
i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.
ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
enfj
so lies. im not an esfj.....
im an enfj. makes so much more sense. but i still tend to be introverted after a long time with people.
hopefully this will help me to pick a major
im an enfj. makes so much more sense. but i still tend to be introverted after a long time with people.
hopefully this will help me to pick a major
uncertainty
so i just got back to school (fyi its so good to be back and my floor is amazing) but i am stressed beyond all belief
im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.
but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.
so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...
pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.
im entering my sophomore year here and this is usually the time where everyone has their majors figured out and are applying to them. they are all settled into their classes that are in their major.
but im not. i dont know what i want to do with my life. absolutely no idea. and im stressed out. i need to figure it out soon so i can graduate on time because i for sure dont have enough money to spend an extra year here.
so im pretty much running out of time. and im confused. so confused. i dont know what God wants me to do...
pray that i get clarity i get guidance and that i can calm down so i can serve others better. there are some friends who really need my attention and support-my indecisiveness is taking away precious time and energy that could be spent on helping them.
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