anger

ive started to realize how empty and pointless anger is. ive noticed that it is honestly just a show, for me at least. slamming doors, yelling, hiding in my room in order for people to seek me out. its just a show. and not a very good one at that.


ive noticed that when i get angry, especially lately, and when i do these things, i find no satisfaction in them. i actually feel worse after them. and i dont like it.


im starting to discover that my anger, when its not just or with a right cause, is like a chasm. there is no bottom. its empty. and it just keeps going. theres no point to it other than to suck you in.


and so im tired of how ive been living and the anger thats consumed me. instead, i want to work on my issues and get them off my chest in a respectful and calm matter, without all the show. i want there to be honesty and simple matter-of-fact approach.

ive noticed something about myself lately

and its not something im pleased with. it concerns my attitude and the way  approach the Bible. its not the whole Bible, but that shouldnt matter. it is still Gods word. and for some reason i think i can have a problem with it.


i get annoyed with certain passages i think are cliché, over used or just plain annoying. and that is not ok. it shouldnt matter to me what people have done with a verse (unless of course they are using it for evil or something, but thats a different issue). what im talking about is how i perceive others use of a verse to be less than my standards or whats ok with me. and honestly, nothing should be lower than my standards because i shouldnt have standards when approaching the Bible.


i should look at it, read it and listen to it in reverence and respect. i should hold it in the same awe i hold God in. and i shouldnt get an attitude about verses like "trust in the LORD with all your heart" or others. just because i dont like the song that is associated with it does not give me the right to disregard it. it is still a part of Gods word to me.


i need to adjust my attitude and get it right before God because it is Him whom i should be looking to please, not myself.

i dont know what the problem is

but lately ive really been struggling with insecurity.  for some reason i cant shake the feeling of it.


ive been down on myself. criticizing myself.  and i really dont like it when i dont wear makeup. which used to not be a problem at all. 


but not, whenever i look in the mirror, i can only see things i need to change.  especially in terms of working out. 


i love working out for the feeling of exercise. but since ive started up again, i can only see all of my faults.  and that turns into "what can i change? how quickly can i change it?" and so on and so forth.


and its not healthy at all. i dont want to get back to the place i was... i was so insecure and lacking confidence, and i dont want to go back there.


i liked the place i was at a couple of weeks ago. secure in my own skin. comfortable with who i was. i want to get here again.


but i dont know how. im praying about it a lot. hopefully, with God's help, i can get back to a place of loving my body and the way God made me.

lessons

lessons ive decided are not very fun in real life. they arent like kindergarten where you got to do fun activities and crafts every time you got to learn something new. nope. instead they rip at your core, destroy everything you had previously conceived of yourself and then tell you that you officially suck as a human being.


good news is you can always get better, right?


but in the mean time, in the process to getting better, life pretty much sucks.  God says hey look, remember that time when you thought you were being helpful and good by doing something new?? remember that? yea... no. that wasnt exactly the brightest thing. in fact, you probs shouldnt do that anymore.


worst part its... having to hear it from a friend. no matter what i do in my relationship with God, i always seem to have to learn lessons the hard way.


and i hate being criticized. hate it. im working on not hating it... but currently, i still do.


im just struggling. all these lessons are so hard for me to keep up with. being told im wrong time and time again really picks at my confidence. probably more like my pride. which should go away. but tearing that thing down, that monstrosity, isnt that fun either. because that entails telling yourself you really arent that great. not that important. not that funny, cute, talented, or whatever as much as you thought you were.


there are so many things so much more important than you. and being human, i hate hearing that. even if i know in my heart of hearts its true.


its like when you know something is completely ridiculous and illogical, yet you cant stop stressing about it. brain knows it, heart doesnt.


kind of like pride.


i know i shouldnt be so mad or down about learning lessons. its a good thing in my walk with God, it means im growing closer. i just needed to vent, to get my feelings out. because right now i cant get passed them to see the bigger picture. hopefully sleep will help and that tomorrow i can appreciate the work God is doing in my life.


ill pray for gratitude tonight. and thank God for all the things He is working on and changing in my life.