actually, the term "shortcomings" is a vast understatement. what im talking about are failures. deep, personal failures.
i have become increasingly aware of some things i need to fix in my life. especially loving people.
over the years, i have realized that i have not loved people like i ought to have. i have failed them in this respect. and i have not done my job communicating love to them, both my love and God's love for them.
and so i would like to apologize. i would like to apologize for every wrong ive made, for every heart ive hurt and for every moment i have not openly expressed my love for you. i cannot go back and fix the things ive done but i can move forward.
i will move forward loving people. honestly and vulnerably loving people. because that is what i am called to do. i am called as a follower of God to love you. and i will go to every length possible to do so.
but remember, i am human. this is my ultimate goal, but i might have shortcomings along my path. but i will venture to love you. and i will never judge you. that is not my place.
my place is to love. and i do. i love you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
relationships are hard
my friendship and relationship with God has been the most difficult one i have ever encountered. its like He is on the other side of the door and talking to me, but i cannot make out what He is saying to me-all i can hear is mumbled slurs that all run together. it is very frustrating because i want to hear what He is saying and im trying desperately to get through the door in order to hear Him, but i cant for the life of me.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
gardeners
when i was in elementary school, my grade put on a performance called "where does your garden grow" or something like that.... in the play we all dressed up like animals and plants and what have you. i was remembering this while working outside today.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
some thoughts
i dont fear God nearly as much as i should. not the way in He is scary, but in the way that He is awesome and He made me.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
so laura gave me this suggestion
...to make a list of 25 things i want to do before the end of summer. here goes.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
Monday, July 25, 2011
walls caving in
i drive myself insane. i really do. i say i want to do stuff with my life. i get the bursting feeling every time i read an inspirational book like donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years" or "blue like jazz" and i think to myself "i want to do that! i want to live like that!"
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
to live with a purpose
so theres this verse. jeremiah 29:11 right. probably overused but today it speaks to me.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
incomprehensible
92 lives were taken today in Norway. at least 85 of them were children. a man murdered them.
how as christians can we reconcile ourselves with this fact? my friend kirsten says we are supposed to be angry with the sin and not the sinner, angry with satan's hold on this man. but im angry with this man. how can i not be? he murdered people. he took their lives. who is he to play God?!?
i dont know if my anger is rightly placed. i dont know what to think of this damned world.
i just know my prayers are with those in norway. my prayers are with those in China. my prayers are with those in Kent.
so many lives were lost today. and others wounded. this is indeed a very broken world.
how as christians can we reconcile ourselves with this fact? my friend kirsten says we are supposed to be angry with the sin and not the sinner, angry with satan's hold on this man. but im angry with this man. how can i not be? he murdered people. he took their lives. who is he to play God?!?
i dont know if my anger is rightly placed. i dont know what to think of this damned world.
i just know my prayers are with those in norway. my prayers are with those in China. my prayers are with those in Kent.
so many lives were lost today. and others wounded. this is indeed a very broken world.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
plunging into the unknown
im going to get my hair cut tomorrow. its going to be pretty drastic. and im nervous beyond all get out.
i feel like im about to jump off a cliff. im scared of heights. and i have anxiety. its freaking me out.
i know i will be safe once i hit ground. its like jumping off the diving board the first time. its terrifying and the more you think about it, the scarier it gets.
but i think its more than just cutting my hair thats freaking me out. its the change i think it is going to bring in my life. cutting my hair is the first step. i have this little voice telling me to do it. like i need to do it. and that once i do, everything is going to change.
my life has been comfortable up until now. i lived my life following God and been doing the same ol' same. there have definitely been bumps along the way but its been a constant stride. im worried with this one action, everything is going to start unraveling and that my life's tapestry is suddenly going to become a whole new pattern.
and im scared of that. im scared that life wont just be comfortable anymore. and im scared what God wants me to do.
i think im actually starting to live for myself, but not in a selfish sort of way, but in the being the person God made me to be kind of way. giving your life over to God is not the easiest thing to do, even if it is the right thing to do.
like my friend chase put it: like aslan, Jesus is not safe, but He is good. following Him might not be safe, but it is good.
i know i need to do this. its just frightening. but it will be good. and doing this is just a start on trusting God to lead me through life.
i feel like im about to jump off a cliff. im scared of heights. and i have anxiety. its freaking me out.
i know i will be safe once i hit ground. its like jumping off the diving board the first time. its terrifying and the more you think about it, the scarier it gets.
but i think its more than just cutting my hair thats freaking me out. its the change i think it is going to bring in my life. cutting my hair is the first step. i have this little voice telling me to do it. like i need to do it. and that once i do, everything is going to change.
my life has been comfortable up until now. i lived my life following God and been doing the same ol' same. there have definitely been bumps along the way but its been a constant stride. im worried with this one action, everything is going to start unraveling and that my life's tapestry is suddenly going to become a whole new pattern.
and im scared of that. im scared that life wont just be comfortable anymore. and im scared what God wants me to do.
i think im actually starting to live for myself, but not in a selfish sort of way, but in the being the person God made me to be kind of way. giving your life over to God is not the easiest thing to do, even if it is the right thing to do.
like my friend chase put it: like aslan, Jesus is not safe, but He is good. following Him might not be safe, but it is good.
i know i need to do this. its just frightening. but it will be good. and doing this is just a start on trusting God to lead me through life.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
in the image of God He created them...
i have a lot of reservations and insecurities pertaining to who i am.
i get insecure about the way i look, what clothes i wear, how my makeup is, how my hair looks and most definitely how much i weigh.
currently im listening to phil wickham "you're beautiful" and something struck me.
Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them"
when we sing about how beautiful God is, we need to remember He gave us all that beauty when He created us. and when we hate on ourselves and pick away at what we dont like... we are hating at what God created and God Himself. we are created in His image.
i pay too much attention to what others want me to do. i think i have stifled myself by allowing others to make decisions for me when its my decision to make. and i think that is partly why i am so lost...
i want to put less stock in others opinions of myself and more in what God thinks of me. since i am created in His image after all. plus i think it matters more what God thinks of me. others tend to focus on my outward appearance-God focuses on my heart.
and so! i plan on having less reservations with my outward appearance. taking more risks. taking more chances and flourishing in to the me that God created. because by letting others control what i do and how i look im not living up to the potential God has for me. and i want to know what He had planned when He created me.
i get insecure about the way i look, what clothes i wear, how my makeup is, how my hair looks and most definitely how much i weigh.
currently im listening to phil wickham "you're beautiful" and something struck me.
Genesis 1:27
"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them"
when we sing about how beautiful God is, we need to remember He gave us all that beauty when He created us. and when we hate on ourselves and pick away at what we dont like... we are hating at what God created and God Himself. we are created in His image.
i pay too much attention to what others want me to do. i think i have stifled myself by allowing others to make decisions for me when its my decision to make. and i think that is partly why i am so lost...
i want to put less stock in others opinions of myself and more in what God thinks of me. since i am created in His image after all. plus i think it matters more what God thinks of me. others tend to focus on my outward appearance-God focuses on my heart.
and so! i plan on having less reservations with my outward appearance. taking more risks. taking more chances and flourishing in to the me that God created. because by letting others control what i do and how i look im not living up to the potential God has for me. and i want to know what He had planned when He created me.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
its gotta be more like falling in love...
ive always loved that song-its so catchy and im like "yea, christianity should be like falling in love with Jesus"
the problem is... i havent fallen head over heels for the Guy yet. i mean i love Him and i love God. i know that He is Sovereign and that i should love Him. but im not in love with Him. and this bothers me.
i want to be someone who cries whenever they read the story of the crucifixion. someone whos heart actually breaks when i think of the poor or the needy. i want to fall in love with Jesus.
im worried my heart is too numb. that im not bothered enough but the conviction that i should be in love with God. im worried that im not bothered enough that im not actually doing anything with my life...
i know i have gifts and talents, but i dont know what they are. i probs would know if i did something to test them out. alas, i have not.
im boring. im safe. i stick to what i know and i do it well. im afraid to try new things because i might not like them and i might fail at them. now thats really daunting.
and im truly bothered that i dont love other people more. that im so incredibly selfish. and that, whilst living in my overly comfortable life i have issues giving my money away.
im also annoyed at my own hypocrisy. i tell other people to love and to not judge, etc etc and i cant even get over myself enough to do these own things. i judge everyone i see. and half the time i dont like what i see, so i cant bring myself to love them.
i have a friend who is always calling me out and proving me wrong. it pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, it is unbelievably refreshing. someone to call me out when im wrong. now who would have thought. everyone is always too busy trying not to offend everyone, when we really need to be proven wrong. well...i at least need to be proven wrong.
but seriously. im this hippy liberal of a christian who goes about spurting "love your neighbors! dont judge people! we arent called to be judges-thats God's job! we are called to love!" and what do i do. i judge. good job me....
i think i could work on these problems if i was in love with Jesus. i could work on a lot of problems i have...my selfishness, my insecurities, my greed... all of them. i wish i could fall in love with Jesus. im sick of my half assed Christianity. i cant just go through the hoops anymore and call it good. i need to get my act together. and quickly. im worried im running out of time. and im wasting my good years. ill pray about it.
the problem is... i havent fallen head over heels for the Guy yet. i mean i love Him and i love God. i know that He is Sovereign and that i should love Him. but im not in love with Him. and this bothers me.
i want to be someone who cries whenever they read the story of the crucifixion. someone whos heart actually breaks when i think of the poor or the needy. i want to fall in love with Jesus.
im worried my heart is too numb. that im not bothered enough but the conviction that i should be in love with God. im worried that im not bothered enough that im not actually doing anything with my life...
i know i have gifts and talents, but i dont know what they are. i probs would know if i did something to test them out. alas, i have not.
im boring. im safe. i stick to what i know and i do it well. im afraid to try new things because i might not like them and i might fail at them. now thats really daunting.
and im truly bothered that i dont love other people more. that im so incredibly selfish. and that, whilst living in my overly comfortable life i have issues giving my money away.
im also annoyed at my own hypocrisy. i tell other people to love and to not judge, etc etc and i cant even get over myself enough to do these own things. i judge everyone i see. and half the time i dont like what i see, so i cant bring myself to love them.
i have a friend who is always calling me out and proving me wrong. it pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, it is unbelievably refreshing. someone to call me out when im wrong. now who would have thought. everyone is always too busy trying not to offend everyone, when we really need to be proven wrong. well...i at least need to be proven wrong.
but seriously. im this hippy liberal of a christian who goes about spurting "love your neighbors! dont judge people! we arent called to be judges-thats God's job! we are called to love!" and what do i do. i judge. good job me....
i think i could work on these problems if i was in love with Jesus. i could work on a lot of problems i have...my selfishness, my insecurities, my greed... all of them. i wish i could fall in love with Jesus. im sick of my half assed Christianity. i cant just go through the hoops anymore and call it good. i need to get my act together. and quickly. im worried im running out of time. and im wasting my good years. ill pray about it.
narcissistic
ive been reading donald miller's blue like jazz, and ive realized, i am way too obsessed with myself. every thought i have revolves around me and what i can do to make me happy.
how can i make me look prettier. how can i get this person to notice me. what can i do to make me look better than the rest of these christians. etc. etc.
i also have a problem with getting credit. i know affirmation is a love language and all but ive taken it to a whole new level. i seriously get mad if people dont thank me for doing something or notice it. i announce if i have done something. i cant just do it to be nice. i need to be acknowledge. and there is something wrong with that.
i should think more of others. isnt that what Christ calls us to do anyways? are we not supposed to look after the poor and the widowed and the hungry? nope instead... i try to think of how i can make my self less poor, less hungry and more loved. pretty much all about me.
i need to get my act together. i need to start doing some service. and not the kind that everyone in the room stands up and applauds me either. i need some down to the dirty work humbling kind of service. maybs i should do tcl again.... but then i would probs want credit for how much better i was doing than everyone else. what i need to do is be on someones crew. have someone else set it up so they get the credit and i just help. writing anonymous notes could help too.... anything to get the focus off me.
i want to live like Christ lived, helping out the unloved and focusing on the people who needed it-not just the people that make me look cool. i want to do that.
my self needs a revamp. i need to be made new... and no. its not just a magical process that happens when you become a Christian. nope. it is a lifetime of work. and it takes God too. cant do it on your own. me and God have got to work on my attitude. ill pray about it. work on it. and hopefully sometime soon i can say that ive changed my habits and my life has only gotten better (but that time not for the credit, but to help encourage other people)
how can i make me look prettier. how can i get this person to notice me. what can i do to make me look better than the rest of these christians. etc. etc.
i also have a problem with getting credit. i know affirmation is a love language and all but ive taken it to a whole new level. i seriously get mad if people dont thank me for doing something or notice it. i announce if i have done something. i cant just do it to be nice. i need to be acknowledge. and there is something wrong with that.
i should think more of others. isnt that what Christ calls us to do anyways? are we not supposed to look after the poor and the widowed and the hungry? nope instead... i try to think of how i can make my self less poor, less hungry and more loved. pretty much all about me.
i need to get my act together. i need to start doing some service. and not the kind that everyone in the room stands up and applauds me either. i need some down to the dirty work humbling kind of service. maybs i should do tcl again.... but then i would probs want credit for how much better i was doing than everyone else. what i need to do is be on someones crew. have someone else set it up so they get the credit and i just help. writing anonymous notes could help too.... anything to get the focus off me.
i want to live like Christ lived, helping out the unloved and focusing on the people who needed it-not just the people that make me look cool. i want to do that.
my self needs a revamp. i need to be made new... and no. its not just a magical process that happens when you become a Christian. nope. it is a lifetime of work. and it takes God too. cant do it on your own. me and God have got to work on my attitude. ill pray about it. work on it. and hopefully sometime soon i can say that ive changed my habits and my life has only gotten better (but that time not for the credit, but to help encourage other people)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
spoiled
i think we take for granted what God gives us... we often think of what we want or what we could use in our life to improve it.
but i think its time to focus on what God has already placed in our lives.
like right now... im watching a beautiful sunset over the sound. and im here relaxing after a wonderful weekend of dear friends visiting.
this is short and sweet...but be thankful for what God does for you. He has already given so much-remember this.
but i think its time to focus on what God has already placed in our lives.
like right now... im watching a beautiful sunset over the sound. and im here relaxing after a wonderful weekend of dear friends visiting.
this is short and sweet...but be thankful for what God does for you. He has already given so much-remember this.
Friday, July 1, 2011
undetermined
i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i am confused in which route i want to follow. and it scares me.
growing up i was always encouraged by my parents to follow after my passions. of course, at such a young age, my passions involved my friends. but after many failed friendships and a broken spirit, i lost track of what i wanted to do and who i was. all i could focus on was how i failed at having friends. sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me. how can i be such a horrible person that i drive so many people away?? i still dont know the answer to this question and it plagues me. it haunts me. i dont know what ive done wrong.
but back to the point. while losing all these friends, i lost myself. undetermined and unsure of myself i ventured off to college (senior year...no bueno) i met lots of new and wonderful people. i started finding myself again. i hit lots of bumps along the way. i had to go see several types of doctors (story of my life btws) but i sort of have things under control as of now.
meeting all these new and wonderful people exposed me to a new world of passions. my friend emquat is thoroughly passionate about helping young women who are and have been trafficked. her passions inspired my own. but once again....my passions are stemming from friends.
what do i want. what has God placed me in this world to be passionate about? and how on earth am i going to follow said passions (which are undetermined...but i have an idea about some of them)
it is scary. i hate stumbling around in the dark searching for answers. i run into things. i fall down. occasionally i sprain an ankle. and whilst encountering all of these inopportune happenings, i still have no idea whats happening. God is there, im certain of this fact. cause lord knows what i would have done without Him all these years... but sometimes its hard to see Him. and it is hard to trust Him. grasping around me in desperate search of some source of light often takes my focus off of Him. and thats when i stumble most.
because i am who i am and having gone through some very painful experiences, i can be quite timid in the face of new experiences. and when it comes to becoming me, the real me that God intended me to be, well....im terrified. im scared helpless that i will discover why so many people have left me. im worried that i will find out some ugly truths about myself. and im honestly and truly frightened by thought that maybe all of this would be the only contributing factors to which make up ME.
so instead... i dwell on other peoples lives, living vicariously through them because i am afraid to get my feet wet. im scared to dive into my own life. to figure out who i am. because searching my soul is a dark, muddy place and i have to sift through all the dirt to find the pristine, untouched and clear well, if there is one. but i really want to...i want to figure out why God placed me on this earth. i want to do His will.
encouragement might be needed. so might a hand to hold my own as i make my way precariously through my soul. in search of who i am, i might need support. prayer is always welcome. as well as friends who are up for the quest, because some adventures might be in store. thank you for those who currently stand by my side. you are loved more deeply than you know. and cherished beyond all belief.
growing up i was always encouraged by my parents to follow after my passions. of course, at such a young age, my passions involved my friends. but after many failed friendships and a broken spirit, i lost track of what i wanted to do and who i was. all i could focus on was how i failed at having friends. sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me. how can i be such a horrible person that i drive so many people away?? i still dont know the answer to this question and it plagues me. it haunts me. i dont know what ive done wrong.
but back to the point. while losing all these friends, i lost myself. undetermined and unsure of myself i ventured off to college (senior year...no bueno) i met lots of new and wonderful people. i started finding myself again. i hit lots of bumps along the way. i had to go see several types of doctors (story of my life btws) but i sort of have things under control as of now.
meeting all these new and wonderful people exposed me to a new world of passions. my friend emquat is thoroughly passionate about helping young women who are and have been trafficked. her passions inspired my own. but once again....my passions are stemming from friends.
what do i want. what has God placed me in this world to be passionate about? and how on earth am i going to follow said passions (which are undetermined...but i have an idea about some of them)
it is scary. i hate stumbling around in the dark searching for answers. i run into things. i fall down. occasionally i sprain an ankle. and whilst encountering all of these inopportune happenings, i still have no idea whats happening. God is there, im certain of this fact. cause lord knows what i would have done without Him all these years... but sometimes its hard to see Him. and it is hard to trust Him. grasping around me in desperate search of some source of light often takes my focus off of Him. and thats when i stumble most.
because i am who i am and having gone through some very painful experiences, i can be quite timid in the face of new experiences. and when it comes to becoming me, the real me that God intended me to be, well....im terrified. im scared helpless that i will discover why so many people have left me. im worried that i will find out some ugly truths about myself. and im honestly and truly frightened by thought that maybe all of this would be the only contributing factors to which make up ME.
so instead... i dwell on other peoples lives, living vicariously through them because i am afraid to get my feet wet. im scared to dive into my own life. to figure out who i am. because searching my soul is a dark, muddy place and i have to sift through all the dirt to find the pristine, untouched and clear well, if there is one. but i really want to...i want to figure out why God placed me on this earth. i want to do His will.
encouragement might be needed. so might a hand to hold my own as i make my way precariously through my soul. in search of who i am, i might need support. prayer is always welcome. as well as friends who are up for the quest, because some adventures might be in store. thank you for those who currently stand by my side. you are loved more deeply than you know. and cherished beyond all belief.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)