so unfortunately school has taken over my life. which i guess is good, since im in college to get an education. but i havent been able to reflect quite as much as id like. and there are a lot of things that need reflecting. that need processing. and im just on the tip.
so much has happened over the past year. so much has changed. ive documented only the tiniest bit in comparison of whats taken place. and i dont think i have the ability to go through all of it. least not now. this will be a long process.
lets just start things off by saying i am in a much better place than i was in my previous posts from this year. so much better. and God is so good. i havent the ability to convey His goodness and His mercies. they truly are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23) Abba has turned my life around and brought me out of the darkest times. its incredible to think how far ive come.
earlier this year, things were not the best in immediate relationships. there was brokenness, pain, darkness and terror. i was terrified of the possibilities of losing someone immensely dear to me. my roommate knows the darkness that haunted me and the fear that plagued me. i was living in a horrific nightmare i could not escape. and as i desperately clung to God who was my only lifeboat, i screamed at Him too, asking Him why i had to experience these things. why on earth did i need to see someone whom i cherish go through what i had been through. wasnt it enough to have let me face those terrors alone?
but i never lost my faith in Him. it never staggered.
God's grace is evident in my faith. and eventually, my loved one got better. things got easier. and i was/am so grateful to Abba for pulling that person out of the darkness. but its hard. its hard to remember what it was like going through that pain. its hard to remember that i was so scared, so scared at one point in life of losing my loved one. that persons birthday was not long ago. and on that day i realized how scary it was. how hard it is still to look back and realize what a nightmare i was living in. i dont know if ill ever get over that. at the same time it was painful to remember, it was a reminder of how beautiful my Saviour is and how blessed i am to have Him. He alone saved my loved one and brought that person out of their pain. He alone is worthy of my praise.
and my words do not even begin to explain the depth of my fear. let me be clear. i cannot explain how much i was hurting. how terrified i was. how broken my life was.
but in the same time. i can assure you life is so much better. God is so good. so good. because now i can laugh again. now i can smile. even though that time still haunts me and hangs in the background like a fog, i am surrounded in light. i will never again take my laughter, my joy for granted. you would have thought id learn that the first time around. but watching someone else go through that and not being able to do anything except depend on God, has taught me some things.
God is good.
God is love.
God is my strength
He is my soul.
His love is full of grace.
He can work miracles.
He can bring healing.
He is the impossible and through Him, He can make all things possible.
im sorry if this is a bit scatter-brained, but its hard to explain and find words to portray my heart. just know i wouldnt be here in this place of peace without my Saviour.
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