actually, the term "shortcomings" is a vast understatement. what im talking about are failures. deep, personal failures.
i have become increasingly aware of some things i need to fix in my life. especially loving people.
over the years, i have realized that i have not loved people like i ought to have. i have failed them in this respect. and i have not done my job communicating love to them, both my love and God's love for them.
and so i would like to apologize. i would like to apologize for every wrong ive made, for every heart ive hurt and for every moment i have not openly expressed my love for you. i cannot go back and fix the things ive done but i can move forward.
i will move forward loving people. honestly and vulnerably loving people. because that is what i am called to do. i am called as a follower of God to love you. and i will go to every length possible to do so.
but remember, i am human. this is my ultimate goal, but i might have shortcomings along my path. but i will venture to love you. and i will never judge you. that is not my place.
my place is to love. and i do. i love you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
relationships are hard
my friendship and relationship with God has been the most difficult one i have ever encountered. its like He is on the other side of the door and talking to me, but i cannot make out what He is saying to me-all i can hear is mumbled slurs that all run together. it is very frustrating because i want to hear what He is saying and im trying desperately to get through the door in order to hear Him, but i cant for the life of me.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
it is also the most beautiful and dynamic relationship i have had. i am able to be myself, knowing full well that there is no point in trying to hide the sides i dont like because well, He knows about them anyway. and im allowed to come to Him and vent my frustration, tell Him how broken i am, explain to Him why i am so angry, so very very angry. and at the same time, i can come to Him tell Him how much i need Him in my life, how much i love Him and how i revere Him.
but i feel like there is something i cant get right. something i am missing, something that would allow me to get through that door to hear Him clearly. its aggravating.
i read my Bible, i pray, i journal, i believe in Jesus and i believe He is the Son of God. i believe God is God and created the Heavens and the Earth. and yet... im missing the key.
maybe its because all of these things are a check list to me. maybe its because im just realizing that God is a Person, a wonderful, beautiful, Holy Person who wants a relationship with me, not just for me to go through a check list and call it good.
maybe, even while ive begun to realize this, the key and lock are tired and old and rusty because they have been sitting so long waiting for me to figure this out that now, when i try to use them, they are old and stubborn and take some working to get them to click and open the door. maybe, since ive treated my relationship with God like a check list and not a relationship for so long, that i have to work at it, to get it back to the way it was supposed to be. maybe after a while, the key will click in the lock, and i will be able to hear God clearly. maybe then.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
gardeners
when i was in elementary school, my grade put on a performance called "where does your garden grow" or something like that.... in the play we all dressed up like animals and plants and what have you. i was remembering this while working outside today.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
it got me thinking. why dont we treat other human beings like they are plants? like they are flowers? i mean, we spend more time oogling over how pretty that rose is or this tiger lily or that tulip. but we look at people and dont even stop to appreciate how beautiful and complex he or she is.
nor do we put that much effort into humans. to keep up a garden, one has to weed and cultivate the soil and prune and water and etc etc etc. we tenderly look over each plant and make sure its needs are met. i dont think so much thought goes into our relationships...
imagine a world where we do care for humans like plants. imagine where we tend to each others' needs, because we want to. and the outcome makes us happy. makes us feel like we've done something. made something grow. accomplished something good.
imagine if we put as much effort as we do into gardening or any hard, laborious, patient-testing task as we do into our relationships. i think our souls would be much healthier...dont you?
and what about sanding and refinishing. as i sanded down my wood in the backyard (deck, hot tub and so) i realized how when a piece of wood is old and worn out, we sand it and refinish it. but when a person is old and worn out, we throw them into a nursing home. what if all they need is just a little bit of extra care and they will be good to go again? what if?
it makes me think that if we respected humans as much as we do a job well done, one that takes patience and care and a little attention to detail, what could happen in return?
it would be absolutely brilliant i think.
i think if we put a little more effort into healing the sick, helping the wounded and supporting the abandoned like we did with other things, the world might actually be a better place, rather than how broken and damned it is now.
some thoughts
i dont fear God nearly as much as i should. not the way in He is scary, but in the way that He is awesome and He made me.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
i dont know how to change this but i think i should. there are a lot of things i should do in consideration of God. im still learning. i think it surprises me that im still learning so much. i feel like ive barely begun my walk with God and i was raised in a christian home. and im 19 years old.... and yet i feel like im just beginning.
im going to work on fearing God and remembering how mighty He is and that He is someone i should stand in awe of.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
so laura gave me this suggestion
...to make a list of 25 things i want to do before the end of summer. here goes.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
1. make a habit of having devotions in the morning (along with my usual ones at night)
2. visit my grandparents down in arizona
3. finish reading through deuteronomy
4. read through john
5. finish my essay for a contest
6. sell my books
7. mail laura a letter
8. also mail jared a letter
9. read through at least one c.s. lewis book
10. tell nathan and jared my life story
11. read sense and sensibility
12. complete my dads three jobs for me
13. visit dalynn in canada
14. limit fb to once a day
15. create a new art piece (drawing, painting, etc)
16. start working on a new photo concentration
17. make 1-year goal list
18. visit bainbridge
19. have coffee with lindsay
20. make a habit of waking up before 8
21. go for walk at least once a day
22. hit the gym at least 3x a week (unless im out of town)
23. write a short story
24. go on a bike ride with my dad
25. learn the chorus to at least one song on the guitar.
well that was incredibly hard... encouragement would be very much appreciated :] i hope i can get through all of these.
Monday, July 25, 2011
walls caving in
i drive myself insane. i really do. i say i want to do stuff with my life. i get the bursting feeling every time i read an inspirational book like donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years" or "blue like jazz" and i think to myself "i want to do that! i want to live like that!"
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
and then. nothing. nothing ever happens. i continue to read more books and blog and what do you know! i have wasted most of my summer.
its really quite frustrating. i have no motivation. its not entirely my fault. im predisposition-ed to this. chemical imbalances and whatnot. that adds to the frustration though...
I REALLY WANT TO DO STUFF!! i need encouragement though... and people to do it with me. like kirsten. she makes me do stuff. and i love when i listen to her.
i just want to get to the point where i can to do it on my own. i can make an exciting memory with my own effort. i really really do. im on the verge of tears. im so frustrated.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
to live with a purpose
so theres this verse. jeremiah 29:11 right. probably overused but today it speaks to me.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
"'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the LORD 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
"the plans i have for you"-God has a plan for me. how i wish i knew it. oh how badly.
im sick and tired of sitting on my bum waiting for life to happen. thats pretty much what i do. i wait. im good at waiting. but goodness i need to STOP. seriously. i need to be moving. going. living. not waiting.
i need to take action. i need to live. i dont exactly know how im going to start. but im inspired to do surfing the nations next summer. thats a start. in the mean time...ill try and take more action. more responsibility with my life.
it could start with going to church more often... hanging out with more people... working. anything really . if you have any ideas im more than open to hearing them. i probably am desperate for them actually. its sad. and if you're in the same boat. maybe we can help each other out. cause God has plans for us. and i dont think they include so much time in the waiting room as we spend.
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